Honey I'm Home

I know its been three years.... I moved to my new home with Jake and step daughter.  November passed and as I got into December things eased, I still wasn't happy and had the odd tear here and there, set off by a song usually. Looking back it was Susan Boyles' version of Wild Horses that would do it. 
I saw her once or twice and boy did it hurt but at least I had some sort of inner peace albeit  outweighed by constant loneliness.  December gave way to a new year and on January 2nd I received a text message from her.  I didn't want to read it, no thats not true, I read it....."I dont want a divorce" She managed to totally throw me. I didn't reply. Ten minutes later another text asking why I wouldn't reply. The truth was I was scared,  she tore my heart out and could I ever let myself feel that vulnerable again?  I sent a text back explaining that I was driving and would call her later as I couldn't do this by text.  I kidded myself that I needed time to think.  I didn't,  its always been her.
We agreed to take things slow.  She had my name tattooed on her hand as a gesture (shes got a needle phobia so this was a pretty big gesture.) We didn't take things slow and  she had moved in within weeks. Things have been up and down but we've settled into a routine. 
Im happy now. My life has changed so much in the three years.  I now have friends and apart from my current job I tell everyone about my Aspergers,  its worked well, I have friends, they frequently describe me as wonderfully inappropriate.  Every day is a challenge dealing with different social situations.  I lost my job as a sound designer and the freelance work dried up.  Im not sure working from home was that good for me.  As I have no real qualifications I ended up in a call centre,  did a stint in a care home and have been recently been working as a sales rep. 
I decided to start my blog again because the story had an ending and I hadn't told it. When I decided to blog again I realised the story doesn't end so heres to more fun. 

Day 28: Day Off

I'm having a day off from everything today, the overload is too much. I've no idea where I am and no idea what's to come. I haven't returned to misery, i just can't get my mind round how everything is going to change. I am a proud man and need to work, it's part of my reason for living. It's formed everything that has been me for 20 plus years. I've lived a certain lifestyle for 10 of those years and am in a panic that I have to go right back to the poverty I once knew. It's all up in the air and that ain't great for an Aspie brain. Fingers crossed !

Dasy 28: Yesterday

What a morning. I woke with an empty mind. I think I must still be in shock after yesterdays news. There were some tears yesterday, I think there may be more today. I collected Jake from school at lunch time yesterday, I couldn't face being on my own. I need to set a day aside today to grieve. It's another one of those head in the sand days. I know I have a lot of thinking and planning to do. I know I need to get my CV together, there really are countless things I need to do. I just don't want to today. Already the obituaries are appearing on facebook. Mine reads:
" Well I guess The Fat Lady is belting it out now. I've had many great years working with you all it's been a pleasure."
A lot of good people were let go yesterday. I have my meeting with HR in fifteen minutes to discuss what happens next. I still feel numb, this is another short post because I can't write when I don't feel and now I don't feel

Day 27: Numb

It's been a day that I can't even begin to look back on. I found out I'm loosing my job today. 14 years in the same job that I love !

Day 26: Sweet Disposition

I decided to blog at the other end of the day today. This morning was great I managed to sleep in. Sleep no longer seems to be an enemy, no longer an instrument of torture. Ex has appeared a few times but it doesn't cause the searing pain that it used to when I woke up, it doesn't spread a blanket of misery across the day like before. I had been in a hurry to move on but I now realise you can't hurry something like that, it has to happen gradually. When I split from my first wife I was desperate to get back into a relationship, very much like I was at the beginning of this split. I seem to be learning to be happy without wanting or needing another partner. I'm not sure I want to have someone who takes over my entire existence, I think I want to find out more about myself first. I hope I'm not setting myself up for a huge fall, I really believe I'm getting stronger. I no longer see being on my own as a terrible thing, that way whatever happens I will be OK.
The weather was nice this morning, cold and bright. Jake and I took the opportunity to have a drive round North Cornwall. This is our last Sunday here, strangely I will have a bit of nostalgia for Cornwall. Although it's only been a few months, it's been memorable (a lot of it for the wrong reasons.) Jake was happy because I had Radio 1 playing. Sunday morning is about the only time I can tolerate that station. We stopped at one small town and had a momentously small walk, neither of us could be bothered really. I think Jake was hoping we'd have lunch out, in fact I even remember him saying "It's nice to have lunch out isn't it?" He's so subtle, especially as he followed it with "Oh, I know we aren't going to." It was getting late so I did give in and buy him a cheese and onion pasty. He ate it in the car, the pasty was hot and smelt so good, I did want one but resisted and had Ryvita when I came home instead.

Day 25: Noise Annoys

A rainy Saturday afternoon, it's enough to leave you feeling quite melancholic. Or you could take the Billy Collonny concept of weather "In Scotland there's no such thing as bad weather only the wrong clothes." I admire that sort of approach to life, there's something almost genius about being able to think that way. I'm being a little intolerant with Jake today, I don't want to be but I am. The fact that I know I'm being impatient with him makes me feel bad, a good reason to be less snappy, an even better reason is that it's not nice for Jake. It can be very difficult at times, I find it hard to explain to him in a way that he will understand when he's doing something that annoys. This is my shortfall ! An example would be, as we go around the supermarket Jake (like any 13 year old) will want all the junk he sees. He knows it's pointless asking me, he does get treats but he's not having junk everyday. He has developed a habit of saying "Well I know you're going to say no so I wont even bother asking for a milkshake." Substitute milkshake for another calorific, sugary or fattening item. He does this for every thing he wants as we walk round. He then sulks when I either ignore or say no. I am finding this annoying at the moment.
I'm going to find us something to do this afternoon. If I don't Jake will end up on his Xbox all afternoon (something I don't allow) and I'll end up glued to the food channel. I have bought some new clothes lately, it makes you feel good wearing new clothes. All my old clothes are now really too big on me to wear, I might go clothes shopping, retail therapy.

Day 24: Cinnamon Girl

I've spent most of the first half of the day worrying about work. More rumours of cuts and senior management meetings. I survived the last set by the skin of my teeth. I hope nothings going to happen, I like my job and I'm pretty good at it. I've been working for the same company for 14 years too. That wasn't just a case of not wanting a routine change I really do get a buzz from what I do. The big problem is that I work in a niche market and getting another job doing what I'm doing would be pretty impossible. I would have to retrain and doubt I would find anything that pays what I get now, also I work from home. I have spoken to a couple of people about my fears of loosing my job. I don't think they understand how all encompassing the the thought of change can be to an Aspie mind, which I find strange because it's Aspies not NT's who are supposed to have a problem with empathy! All I can do is use my new ability (learnt after my split) and push the thoughts to the back of my mind until Monday when I should know.
So far all the work thoughts are spoiling me wanting to be excited about my move. I've spoken to Step Daughter a lot. She has the keys and is busy moving in. I keep getting little snippets of feedback on what she's found or how we'll need this or that. I haven't bought myself and Jake beds yet. I'm hoping to do all those bits online in the next couple of day. In fact there's a lot I need to buy. I'm busy trying to get Jake into the school with the best special needs department in the area. He is very aware of his social shortfalls, he's only really had 3 friends in the 9 years he's lived with me. 13, I remember is an age when you really do start to notice just how different you are from the other kids. I remember how awkward it was in social situations, this is also when I started using alcohol to overcome some of my problems in social situations.
I'm going to go to the supermarket when Jake gets back from school. I need a boost, I need to see a certain checkout girl.