Honey I'm Home

I know its been three years.... I moved to my new home with Jake and step daughter.  November passed and as I got into December things eased, I still wasn't happy and had the odd tear here and there, set off by a song usually. Looking back it was Susan Boyles' version of Wild Horses that would do it. 
I saw her once or twice and boy did it hurt but at least I had some sort of inner peace albeit  outweighed by constant loneliness.  December gave way to a new year and on January 2nd I received a text message from her.  I didn't want to read it, no thats not true, I read it....."I dont want a divorce" She managed to totally throw me. I didn't reply. Ten minutes later another text asking why I wouldn't reply. The truth was I was scared,  she tore my heart out and could I ever let myself feel that vulnerable again?  I sent a text back explaining that I was driving and would call her later as I couldn't do this by text.  I kidded myself that I needed time to think.  I didn't,  its always been her.
We agreed to take things slow.  She had my name tattooed on her hand as a gesture (shes got a needle phobia so this was a pretty big gesture.) We didn't take things slow and  she had moved in within weeks. Things have been up and down but we've settled into a routine. 
Im happy now. My life has changed so much in the three years.  I now have friends and apart from my current job I tell everyone about my Aspergers,  its worked well, I have friends, they frequently describe me as wonderfully inappropriate.  Every day is a challenge dealing with different social situations.  I lost my job as a sound designer and the freelance work dried up.  Im not sure working from home was that good for me.  As I have no real qualifications I ended up in a call centre,  did a stint in a care home and have been recently been working as a sales rep. 
I decided to start my blog again because the story had an ending and I hadn't told it. When I decided to blog again I realised the story doesn't end so heres to more fun. 

Day 28: Day Off

I'm having a day off from everything today, the overload is too much. I've no idea where I am and no idea what's to come. I haven't returned to misery, i just can't get my mind round how everything is going to change. I am a proud man and need to work, it's part of my reason for living. It's formed everything that has been me for 20 plus years. I've lived a certain lifestyle for 10 of those years and am in a panic that I have to go right back to the poverty I once knew. It's all up in the air and that ain't great for an Aspie brain. Fingers crossed !

Dasy 28: Yesterday

What a morning. I woke with an empty mind. I think I must still be in shock after yesterdays news. There were some tears yesterday, I think there may be more today. I collected Jake from school at lunch time yesterday, I couldn't face being on my own. I need to set a day aside today to grieve. It's another one of those head in the sand days. I know I have a lot of thinking and planning to do. I know I need to get my CV together, there really are countless things I need to do. I just don't want to today. Already the obituaries are appearing on facebook. Mine reads:
" Well I guess The Fat Lady is belting it out now. I've had many great years working with you all it's been a pleasure."
A lot of good people were let go yesterday. I have my meeting with HR in fifteen minutes to discuss what happens next. I still feel numb, this is another short post because I can't write when I don't feel and now I don't feel

Day 27: Numb

It's been a day that I can't even begin to look back on. I found out I'm loosing my job today. 14 years in the same job that I love !

Day 26: Sweet Disposition

I decided to blog at the other end of the day today. This morning was great I managed to sleep in. Sleep no longer seems to be an enemy, no longer an instrument of torture. Ex has appeared a few times but it doesn't cause the searing pain that it used to when I woke up, it doesn't spread a blanket of misery across the day like before. I had been in a hurry to move on but I now realise you can't hurry something like that, it has to happen gradually. When I split from my first wife I was desperate to get back into a relationship, very much like I was at the beginning of this split. I seem to be learning to be happy without wanting or needing another partner. I'm not sure I want to have someone who takes over my entire existence, I think I want to find out more about myself first. I hope I'm not setting myself up for a huge fall, I really believe I'm getting stronger. I no longer see being on my own as a terrible thing, that way whatever happens I will be OK.
The weather was nice this morning, cold and bright. Jake and I took the opportunity to have a drive round North Cornwall. This is our last Sunday here, strangely I will have a bit of nostalgia for Cornwall. Although it's only been a few months, it's been memorable (a lot of it for the wrong reasons.) Jake was happy because I had Radio 1 playing. Sunday morning is about the only time I can tolerate that station. We stopped at one small town and had a momentously small walk, neither of us could be bothered really. I think Jake was hoping we'd have lunch out, in fact I even remember him saying "It's nice to have lunch out isn't it?" He's so subtle, especially as he followed it with "Oh, I know we aren't going to." It was getting late so I did give in and buy him a cheese and onion pasty. He ate it in the car, the pasty was hot and smelt so good, I did want one but resisted and had Ryvita when I came home instead.

Day 25: Noise Annoys

A rainy Saturday afternoon, it's enough to leave you feeling quite melancholic. Or you could take the Billy Collonny concept of weather "In Scotland there's no such thing as bad weather only the wrong clothes." I admire that sort of approach to life, there's something almost genius about being able to think that way. I'm being a little intolerant with Jake today, I don't want to be but I am. The fact that I know I'm being impatient with him makes me feel bad, a good reason to be less snappy, an even better reason is that it's not nice for Jake. It can be very difficult at times, I find it hard to explain to him in a way that he will understand when he's doing something that annoys. This is my shortfall ! An example would be, as we go around the supermarket Jake (like any 13 year old) will want all the junk he sees. He knows it's pointless asking me, he does get treats but he's not having junk everyday. He has developed a habit of saying "Well I know you're going to say no so I wont even bother asking for a milkshake." Substitute milkshake for another calorific, sugary or fattening item. He does this for every thing he wants as we walk round. He then sulks when I either ignore or say no. I am finding this annoying at the moment.
I'm going to find us something to do this afternoon. If I don't Jake will end up on his Xbox all afternoon (something I don't allow) and I'll end up glued to the food channel. I have bought some new clothes lately, it makes you feel good wearing new clothes. All my old clothes are now really too big on me to wear, I might go clothes shopping, retail therapy.

Day 24: Cinnamon Girl

I've spent most of the first half of the day worrying about work. More rumours of cuts and senior management meetings. I survived the last set by the skin of my teeth. I hope nothings going to happen, I like my job and I'm pretty good at it. I've been working for the same company for 14 years too. That wasn't just a case of not wanting a routine change I really do get a buzz from what I do. The big problem is that I work in a niche market and getting another job doing what I'm doing would be pretty impossible. I would have to retrain and doubt I would find anything that pays what I get now, also I work from home. I have spoken to a couple of people about my fears of loosing my job. I don't think they understand how all encompassing the the thought of change can be to an Aspie mind, which I find strange because it's Aspies not NT's who are supposed to have a problem with empathy! All I can do is use my new ability (learnt after my split) and push the thoughts to the back of my mind until Monday when I should know.
So far all the work thoughts are spoiling me wanting to be excited about my move. I've spoken to Step Daughter a lot. She has the keys and is busy moving in. I keep getting little snippets of feedback on what she's found or how we'll need this or that. I haven't bought myself and Jake beds yet. I'm hoping to do all those bits online in the next couple of day. In fact there's a lot I need to buy. I'm busy trying to get Jake into the school with the best special needs department in the area. He is very aware of his social shortfalls, he's only really had 3 friends in the 9 years he's lived with me. 13, I remember is an age when you really do start to notice just how different you are from the other kids. I remember how awkward it was in social situations, this is also when I started using alcohol to overcome some of my problems in social situations.
I'm going to go to the supermarket when Jake gets back from school. I need a boost, I need to see a certain checkout girl.

Day 23: No Turning Back

I was reminded this morning how difficult communication can be. I can have a phone conversation if I plan it. This generally involves thinking about what I need to say to a person then writing down bullet points on a piece of paper before I call. I also need to be the one who's made the call. You call me and we're stumped, I will look for any excuse to end the conversation. I mention this because my good friend called me today, she received a personal reference request from the Estate Agent I'm renting the new house from, she phoned just to confirm how long we had known each other for. Her number flashed up on my iphone and I immediately entered panic mode. We did chat but it was difficult, I struggled after initial polite chat and I always find it difficult knowing where to interject in the conversation. I tried to escape twice, stating I need to go and have a shower, it didn't work she still had things to say. I would like to point out I really normally enjoy conversations with her, she's very understanding, interesting and has a nice sounding voice. If I had made the call it would have been an enjoyable experience. I did look into my problems with phone calls some time ago and I found what I think is the answer to this. Yes, Aspergers is a Communication 'Disorder' (I hate the disorder word, but in this case it is appropriate.) Because of this I think I have learnt to cope with my communication difficulties by being in charge of a situation like this, I can try and communicate but on my terms. I need to be in control. I think that's why routine is so important to me, it's about being in control in a world where the rules constantly change.
I'm now very nervous, step daughter just called. I need to call the estate agent and pay my portion of the deposit. It's a lot of money £1,100. It's pretty much most of my savings I've been able to scramble together. This is it, it's real now. I am so anxious, by doing this I am 100% committing myself to another change, there's no turning back !

Day 22: My Home Town

Woke up this morning and decided it's time to pull my head out from the sand. We now have the official go ahead on the move and it looks like I'll be relocating the weekend of November 14th. My Step Daughter is moving in to the new house this Saturday. I have a bunch of work to organise before then and I may end up asking my boss if she will allocate some of my work to other people, I may be offline till my Internet is sorted out up there. There's a scary thought, offline ! I've got bigger scarier thoughts to think about so I'll leave that one. Not looking forward to the conversation I need to have with Jake's school. I'm sure they are going to be very disapproving of me moving him after 2 months. He wants to move, like me he doesn't feel right in Cornwall. That's nothing against the Cornish people, they've come across as warm and friendly, it's just not for us. I used to be such a country person, I hated towns, but now I need a town.
I have realised that as well as not looking back on things and asking 'why?' I also need not to look too far ahead either. I was so used to everything being the same day after day that I didn't believe the "you never know what's round the corner" mantra. I do now. Even though my Aspie brain needs routine and a degree of sameness, I'm allowing myself to be a little bit excited about this new life. That's the thing, by not looking too far forward I don't have to think about too much, I'm giving myself the opportunity to get comfortable with the changes bit by bit. I've tried the throwing yourself in the deep end approach and I just end up drowning.
I would like to look at how I'm feeling about the split. Ex pops into my head still but it's not the unmanageable pain that I felt before. It's worked not hearing from or about her, I hope Step Daughter understands this. I don't think I'm ready yet to look back at things, if I do I'll try and diagnose and that's not going to help. I think as long as I'm feeling positive I'll avoid that.

Day 21: About A Boy

I finished off all my work mid morning and have been dashing around since. Jake is off school today, no this wasn't me selfishly wanting company in this empty house, he actually wasn't well. It's a big thing for Jake staying off school, he knows there's no Xbox for the entire day if you've been off sick, torture for Jake. He had to accompany me round the bank and supermarket, he's 13 and can't be left at home, he's a young 13. He sighed most of the way round town. Jake is as clumsy as I am, Dyspraxia, another Aspie trait. I find it so annoying whenever we are out he constantly bumps into me, after a while I end up getting impatient with him and have the "personal space" conversation. I can't bear it when people bump into me in the supermarket, I physically shudder, a bolt of revulsion strikes through me. It's the same queuing in the post office or bank, I get very uncomfortable if people stand too close. Still once again I realise how much it means having him around. We've always had a close, special relationship but the amazing thing that's come out of all this mess is us, I'll never let this relationship be broken.
I'm having one of those days today where I'm not thinking about all the issues surrounding me. It's like a day off for my mind, I think I deserve it. I'm not sure how I'm managing to do it, I haven't been able to till now. I don't want to question how this is possible in case I'm unable to continue.
It's a relief to have finished the project I was working on, it wasn't very interesting. I enjoyed the narrators tone of voice (I will go into my special interest 'sound' at some other point.) Sometimes I can be given the most boring subject matter but if the narrator has a nice sounding voice that can make it for me. I wasn't very happy with my choice of music, it was all a bit last minute and quite how you choose music for the subject I had is beyond me. I do hope the client is happy.

Day 20: Strong

Back to my running this morning, it hurt but I felt better for it. I expected the run to be impossible, three days off and I didn't think I'd make it. I think it's the feeling of doing something that is structured on a daily basis, it brings some kind of normality to a day that still doesn't feel normal. It's difficult to get my head round what will be 'normal' again. It's been over two months since my life changed dramatically and I am still struggling to come to terms that things will never be the same again. I hope I'm strong enough to understand that even if the option was there I shouldn't go back. I've written 'shouldn't' rather than wouldn't because if I'm being honest I just don't know. It's all irrelevant anyway because that's not an option.
Jake's gone back to school this morning. He was cheerful and chatty before he left. I did my best to do the same but I don't think he expects much from me first thing. I've got a whole day to fill ahead until he comes back and I think I've stretched my work enough to fill it. I've not made a big enough effort with my diet lately, I've not gone back to eating more than I should, but I'm not dieting as such which I intend to sort out today. I'm also drinking too much.
I'm going to go out at lunch time and do some people watching. I'm normally so absorbed in the different environmental stimuli that I face when going out that I often forget to open my eyes to whats around me. People are interesting to watch. I didn't use to understand why older people sit in a chair by their windows and just watch, I think I get it now.

Day 19: Its Oh So Quiet

I thought I would try writing at the other end of the day. It's been a fairly uneventful day. Jake and I still have our colds, although you'd think Jake had completed four years at R.A.D.A. I reminded him it was just a cold, not swine flu, despite what he'd read at the NHS direct website. I'm half tempted to keep him off school tomorrow, but actually that would be entirely selfish of me. I'm just looking for company and not enjoying the idea of being on my own tomorrow, all day. I guess I just need to think about what it's like when my parents are here and be thankful for small mercies. Again, I am really very grateful for everything they've done, I'm not sure what condition I'd be in if I was still in the my old house with ex. My Step daughter called yesterday, she was with her mother and I didn't like hearing ex in the back ground. I think it was one of those "I'm annoyed that you sound perfectly normal and I'm in pieces" moments. Except I'm not in pieces, but I still don't want to hear her.
November arrived this morning so I'm going to slowly open my eyes and try to focus on the huge events and other life style change I'm making very soon. In two weeks time I'm moving, yes my routines going to change. Everything is going to be different. I don't think anyone without Aspergers can even have the slightest idea what this means to an Aspie. Especially a 42 year old , set in his ways Aspie. I have read on various forums that Aspies need to find coping mechanisms to help with change, well I wish they sold these mechanisms on Amazon. I'm going to trawl the net and see if I can come up with some. I may even tweet and ask around the online Aspie community. I need to sort the moving issue out in my head very soon, it's all getting very close.

Day 18: Inbetween Days

I do need to get back to my running really soon. I still have my cold but its not bad enough to stop me running. I'm doing my other exercises but its not the same as my run. I think running makes me focus on thoughts that I usually push away. It also gives me the ability to loose myself in the huge physical effort it is to get this lump of me up a steep hill, even if only at a speed slightly faster than walking.
I feel really odd today, I was grumpy yesterday because of my cold. I feel a bit empty now. I have to work today and tomorrow. I could have finished without having to work the weekend but I wanted to spend some time with Jake during the week. I don't mind working on a Saturday, I wont work all day. It will also give Jake the opportunity to play on his Xbox.
I have had little peaks at the past lately, I don't normally allow myself to do this. It wasn't a self pitying yearn to look back, I was just curious. I wanted to look back at ex and see if I felt a rush of love an emotion come back. I didn't, but maybe my minds firewall is set so secure that I didn't allow it to. I don't know, I just don't know but I probably don't need to.
I'm hoping as the day progresses that Jake wont be in teenage mode again. He's normally such a bright enthusiastic person, I think hormones are kicking in. I've dealt with the other children doing the teenage thing. My daughter was a total nightmare, I've had my share of children screaming and smashing the place up, but I don't think Jake will go down that route. I hope we stay close, he's the most important person in my life right now.

Day 17: Uncertain Smile

Woke up early again, this time with a horrible cold. Running was the last thing on my mind. I wasn't in the best of moods when I came down stairs. I find colds are really inconvenient, I have a set number of days now where I'm going to feel like death warmed up, this wasn't in my plans and it messes things up. Its the last Friday of the month which means pay day. I have a lot of work to do still and my deadline for this lot is Monday. I need to spend a certain amount of time running between banks this morning shifting money around, nothing glamorous believe me just a necessity to keep various creditors happy.
My Step Daughter (my soon to be house mate,) called this morning. I'm impatient (as Jake has found out this morning,) when I'm not feeling well. I didn't really want to talk, especially about interior design and what will fit where in the new house. I behaved and listened well, I'm sure I made all the right noises as well but it was a huge relief when she decided it was time to go. I never want to be rude to people when I'm not interested in talking to them but I'm told it is generally obvious when I'm not interested. My Step Daughter will also call just because shes bored or waiting for a train. It's hard to understand why someone would just do that really. Calling someone without a preplanned question or agenda.
I'm still not quite ready to look into next month and all the changes yet. I know I'm going to have to, because in two days it's going to be here, but I'm holding onto the sameness I have at the moment because it feels safe. I'm also finding I have more happiness in my days now too. Less reflection. If I could just look ahead with less uncertainty I could smile a bit more.
I have decided I would like to ask ex for a divorce.

Day 16: Spit In The Rain

It's slowly dawning on me that the only way to really get through this mess is to stop looking back, it's pointless, not going to solve anything and it bloody well hurts. The other thing is to stop asking why. The later is the same, nothing is going to be resolved, there may be sense to all of this situation but I'm probably not ready to make any sense of it. Just concentrate on getting to wherever I'm going.
Jake and I have have been relaxing since my parents left for holiday yesterday. I have to admit it is strange not having them here. It felt really naughty eating junk for dinner last night but that's not going to stop me doing it again tonight (Jake's request.) I have told him we are having vegetables tonight though. It may end up being a salad out of sheer laziness. I'm a bit worried about being on my own in the house most of the day next week when Jake goes back to school. I know I like solitude but it has to be on my terms. I do like to know I can reach out if necessary.
We had some news about moving yesterday. Looks like we've got the house we were after. We should move in just over two weeks, which will coincide with my parents getting back from holiday. Moving leaves me with so much to think about, it's almost overwhelming. Not only will this be a new routine but it will be a new life. I'm not thinking about it today, I'll push it aside for a bit, I have lots of work to do and can't concentrate on work while thinking about everything that will change when I move.
Today's blog title is a reference to an old Del Amitri song, it's where I found my answers !

Day 15: The Rules Of Socialising

Its funny how you can wake up reasonably positive after a nights sleep. I had some disturbing dreams but ex wasn't there so that made a huge difference to my outlook on things this morning. My stepdaughter and I are waiting to hear the outcome of the house we are hoping to rent. I have a dog, a massive Great Dane called Henry. Ex is looking after him as I wasn't allowed to bring him down to my parents house. It's causing a bit of a problem with renting, no one wants pets. We've asked the letting agent to appeal directly to the landlord of the property, don't know how lucky we'll be but fingers crossed.
My parents are flying off on holiday today, this is a welcome change of routine. 16 days of not worrying if Jake is going to say the wrong thing at meal times. I could make a long list of things that will be different during the next 16 days but we can both relax, be ourselves and not be on best behaviour. I'm 42 and shouldn't be living with my parents. They leave at 12.30 pm.
I went to the pub last night. I was looking to loose myself a bit in alcohol, nothing melancholy, just numb things slightly. I didn't enjoy the pub experience, there were only a few people in. A small group of 3 thitysomethings. They were sat at the bar and so was I. It was obvious I was a loner, it is sometimes and I really feel it. I felt alone and very self conscious. I drank my two pints very quickly. One of the thirtysomethings had nipped out the front for a cigarette, I knew I would have to pass him as I left, this too was going to be uncomfortable. He said cheers as I passed and I tried muttering cheers back, I'm not sure how it came out but I hope he didn't think I was rude. I replayed in my mind the conversations they might be having after I had left. Were they wondering who that strange person is, he comes in says nothing to anyone, drinks his drinks very quickly then leaves? I might be making too much of this, maybe they didn't notice or care.
I get jealous sometimes that people can be in a group exchanging pointless banter. I'm not in a situation where I am able to make the first move to join in their 'fun'. It would probably be difficult anyway as I wouldn't always want to do that every time I went to the pub. I enjoy solitude and would probably be seen as moody if I didn't join in all the time. To be honest it's been so long that I made any attempts at socialising that I've forgotten even the most basic of rules, if I even knew them in the first place.

Day 14: Sleep, Where For Art Thou

I'm in need of a lift today. The day didn't start well but I'm not going to let that spoil the rest of today. Woke at 5.00am , harassed by yet more unwelcome dreams. It's not fair being stalked in your sleep (especially by someone who doesn't want you.) I lay awake tormented by thoughts that I'd previously pushed to the back of my mind. I managed to get back to a semi sleep state, not awake but not asleep. My run was hard, really hard. I think the combination of sleep deprivation and feeling down saps the energy. I decided in the shower that I need something to focus on, I seem to have lost the grip on looking forward. This may stem from a disagreement I had with Jake yesterday, it was only small but the way I'm feeling small things can escalate rapidly in my mind. I phoned my daughter and she reminded me how close Jake and I have become and how much a falling out would affect him. This made me feel pretty awful, I know he's struggling living here too. I tried to get off the phone as quickly as I could, not easy with my daughter, she takes offence at the smallest thing and with my communication issues...well, it's just difficult. I went upstairs to Jake's room expecting him to be either angry or upset with me. He wasn't, he'd taken it all in his stride. I guess he's grown used to my moods, which actually made me feel ten times worse. I've got lots of work on today which is a good thing, keeping busy really helps to day go by. I've switched my phone off for the moment, I don't want to talk to anyone really. I'm not being miserable, I'm just giving myself some space, I think every one's entitled to a bit of space sometimes.

Day 13: Contradiction

I really don't want to tempt fate here, but I think things are getting easier. I'm not sure if I have just pushed ex to the back of my mind or if every time I think about her it's getting less and less painful. I've either confronted my thoughts about her or I actually have pushed things far enough to the back of my mind that the distance is far enough away not to hurt. Rather like the physical distance I am away from her, hundreds of miles. Either way it seems to be working. I am getting comfortable with the idea of not having a partner. I've written in earlier bogs about how I need someone, how I need to love and be loved. Again, I'm not sure now. I might be coming to terms for the very first time in my life that I don't need that in my life. Having trawled through dating sites (I know this may seem strange but since the beginning of this I was desperate to have someone, my method of coping.) The word independent keeps coming up, many people describe themselves as independent. I couldn't understand this, but I am now, I think. I feel like I'm sort of growing up a bit, I'm a little bit proud of myself for this, it's something I've never faced before in my life. After every failed relationship I've gone out of my way to try and get straight back into another. However, I am aware I'm fragile but I'm hoping if it all crashed down that it won't be too hard and not too much will get broken.
I am of course full of contradictions. I'm finding it very pleasant that since I've lost a few stone some women are looking at me, it does really boost your confidence. I do really fancy the previously mentioned check out girl in Morison's too, but that's just the initial buzz that I'm after, it's not going to happen and actually I don't want it to. It lets me wonder off into a little fantasy, but now at last I know that's all it is, fantasy and now I know that's all I want.
Jake's home this week. Half term. I'm so glad he is home, I do get great comfort from him being around. I hope sometimes that I don't rely on him too much, my emotional crutch. I don't think so, I think most of it goes straight over his head. I hope so, I think he's too busy battling Pokemon on his DSI.

Day 12: Like A Bat Out Of Hell

Sunday morning and ouch that run was hard. My legs felt like lead as I pounded up the steep hill. I felt like I was running on the same spot at one point. I don't run on a Saturday and it just makes Sunday more difficult. I think the endorphins must kick in by the time I get to the top of the hill, or maybe its just the knowledge that it's all downhill after that.
I went to the pub last night. I do enjoy sitting at the bar with the loud music enveloping me. As I get more and more relaxed the noise and over stimulation make it all feel like a comfortable blanket around me. This would normally be a huge issue for me but not after a few drinks, I'd been drinking wine before I left. The landlord made some stilted efforts to talk to me but I wasn't interested, this was my time. The Karaoke started and a brave chap decided to try the entire nine minutes of Bat Out Of Hell by Meat Loaf. He was good, but I could do better. I can sing, that's not boasting, I just can sing. Maybe it's not singing as such, it's another one of those cool Aspie traits 'echolalia,' the ability to mimic, near perfectly often for me. I can do accents as well. When I was younger I used to have hours of endless fun with phone pranks. At one point in the evening a lady came and stood next to me at the bar drinking. She wasn't waiting for a drink she was just standing there, next to me. After a little while I realised she may want conversation, this was a problem as I had no idea what to say, and if I'm honest was enjoying the atmosphere so much even if she was thirty, petite and blond I wouldn't bother. I turned my back to her and watched another performer on the temporary stage sing his heart out. I'm kidding myself there because I wouldn't have been able to chat her up anyway.
I'm not sure what today holds. My mum said she might not go to church this morning so we can all go out. Jake didn't seem to enthusiastic about it so I don't know what's going to happen. Mum will sulk if we don't go out so I'm trying to get Jake enthused.

Day 11: Happy Talk

It's Saturday morning, the weekend is here. I'm feeling a bit uncertain this morning. It's that structure problem again. I've only just realised I could plan what I'm going to do on a Saturday a few days before, then I wouldn't have this problem. I think I get so involved in trying to get through each day at the moment that I loose the ability to think about planning simple mundane things.
I thought I would try the cheerful approach this morning, not too easy when you've got a fuzzy beer head from the night before, not a hangover, just fuzzy. I guess it worked, it freaked Jake out! He decided he would try 'cheerful' too. At breakfast we stuck our tongues out at each other when my parents weren't looking. I, in my usual inappropriate way took things a step to far and made rude hand gestures at Jake, he liked it and struggled to contain his laughter in front of my parents. I do have a problem with being inappropriate sometimes, I've got into trouble in my past over this, nothing serious don't' get me wrong, but I have shocked people. I do have periods when I'm walking round the supermarket and I struggle to hold swear words in. It's not an anger thing at all, it's wanting to be inappropriate, I actually want to be inappropriate sometimes. Other times I just can't help it.
Five days until may parents fly off on holiday. I've promised Jake we can behave like animals when they've gone. Well, maybe not like animals but we can be ourselves, not feel like we have to be on best behaviour, just relax.
I've called this blog 'Happy Talk.' There's been something in my head since my enforced change of circumstances that's said I'm not allowed to be happy. It's not right, you can't be, it's not allowed. I'm going to focus on that in the next few days. That's really why I've made no mention of other things today, let's leave it that way.