It's slowly dawning on me that the only way to really get through this mess is to stop looking back, it's pointless, not going to solve anything and it bloody well hurts. The other thing is to stop asking why. The later is the same, nothing is going to be resolved, there may be sense to all of this situation but I'm probably not ready to make any sense of it. Just concentrate on getting to wherever I'm going.
Jake and I have have been relaxing since my parents left for holiday yesterday. I have to admit it is strange not having them here. It felt really naughty eating junk for dinner last night but that's not going to stop me doing it again tonight (Jake's request.) I have told him we are having vegetables tonight though. It may end up being a salad out of sheer laziness. I'm a bit worried about being on my own in the house most of the day next week when Jake goes back to school. I know I like solitude but it has to be on my terms. I do like to know I can reach out if necessary.
We had some news about moving yesterday. Looks like we've got the house we were after. We should move in just over two weeks, which will coincide with my parents getting back from holiday. Moving leaves me with so much to think about, it's almost overwhelming. Not only will this be a new routine but it will be a new life. I'm not thinking about it today, I'll push it aside for a bit, I have lots of work to do and can't concentrate on work while thinking about everything that will change when I move.
Today's blog title is a reference to an old Del Amitri song, it's where I found my answers !
Thursday, 29 October 2009
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Day 15: The Rules Of Socialising
Its funny how you can wake up reasonably positive after a nights sleep. I had some disturbing dreams but ex wasn't there so that made a huge difference to my outlook on things this morning. My stepdaughter and I are waiting to hear the outcome of the house we are hoping to rent. I have a dog, a massive Great Dane called Henry. Ex is looking after him as I wasn't allowed to bring him down to my parents house. It's causing a bit of a problem with renting, no one wants pets. We've asked the letting agent to appeal directly to the landlord of the property, don't know how lucky we'll be but fingers crossed.
My parents are flying off on holiday today, this is a welcome change of routine. 16 days of not worrying if Jake is going to say the wrong thing at meal times. I could make a long list of things that will be different during the next 16 days but we can both relax, be ourselves and not be on best behaviour. I'm 42 and shouldn't be living with my parents. They leave at 12.30 pm.
I went to the pub last night. I was looking to loose myself a bit in alcohol, nothing melancholy, just numb things slightly. I didn't enjoy the pub experience, there were only a few people in. A small group of 3 thitysomethings. They were sat at the bar and so was I. It was obvious I was a loner, it is sometimes and I really feel it. I felt alone and very self conscious. I drank my two pints very quickly. One of the thirtysomethings had nipped out the front for a cigarette, I knew I would have to pass him as I left, this too was going to be uncomfortable. He said cheers as I passed and I tried muttering cheers back, I'm not sure how it came out but I hope he didn't think I was rude. I replayed in my mind the conversations they might be having after I had left. Were they wondering who that strange person is, he comes in says nothing to anyone, drinks his drinks very quickly then leaves? I might be making too much of this, maybe they didn't notice or care.
I get jealous sometimes that people can be in a group exchanging pointless banter. I'm not in a situation where I am able to make the first move to join in their 'fun'. It would probably be difficult anyway as I wouldn't always want to do that every time I went to the pub. I enjoy solitude and would probably be seen as moody if I didn't join in all the time. To be honest it's been so long that I made any attempts at socialising that I've forgotten even the most basic of rules, if I even knew them in the first place.
My parents are flying off on holiday today, this is a welcome change of routine. 16 days of not worrying if Jake is going to say the wrong thing at meal times. I could make a long list of things that will be different during the next 16 days but we can both relax, be ourselves and not be on best behaviour. I'm 42 and shouldn't be living with my parents. They leave at 12.30 pm.
I went to the pub last night. I was looking to loose myself a bit in alcohol, nothing melancholy, just numb things slightly. I didn't enjoy the pub experience, there were only a few people in. A small group of 3 thitysomethings. They were sat at the bar and so was I. It was obvious I was a loner, it is sometimes and I really feel it. I felt alone and very self conscious. I drank my two pints very quickly. One of the thirtysomethings had nipped out the front for a cigarette, I knew I would have to pass him as I left, this too was going to be uncomfortable. He said cheers as I passed and I tried muttering cheers back, I'm not sure how it came out but I hope he didn't think I was rude. I replayed in my mind the conversations they might be having after I had left. Were they wondering who that strange person is, he comes in says nothing to anyone, drinks his drinks very quickly then leaves? I might be making too much of this, maybe they didn't notice or care.
I get jealous sometimes that people can be in a group exchanging pointless banter. I'm not in a situation where I am able to make the first move to join in their 'fun'. It would probably be difficult anyway as I wouldn't always want to do that every time I went to the pub. I enjoy solitude and would probably be seen as moody if I didn't join in all the time. To be honest it's been so long that I made any attempts at socialising that I've forgotten even the most basic of rules, if I even knew them in the first place.
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Day 14: Sleep, Where For Art Thou
I'm in need of a lift today. The day didn't start well but I'm not going to let that spoil the rest of today. Woke at 5.00am , harassed by yet more unwelcome dreams. It's not fair being stalked in your sleep (especially by someone who doesn't want you.) I lay awake tormented by thoughts that I'd previously pushed to the back of my mind. I managed to get back to a semi sleep state, not awake but not asleep. My run was hard, really hard. I think the combination of sleep deprivation and feeling down saps the energy. I decided in the shower that I need something to focus on, I seem to have lost the grip on looking forward. This may stem from a disagreement I had with Jake yesterday, it was only small but the way I'm feeling small things can escalate rapidly in my mind. I phoned my daughter and she reminded me how close Jake and I have become and how much a falling out would affect him. This made me feel pretty awful, I know he's struggling living here too. I tried to get off the phone as quickly as I could, not easy with my daughter, she takes offence at the smallest thing and with my communication issues...well, it's just difficult. I went upstairs to Jake's room expecting him to be either angry or upset with me. He wasn't, he'd taken it all in his stride. I guess he's grown used to my moods, which actually made me feel ten times worse. I've got lots of work on today which is a good thing, keeping busy really helps to day go by. I've switched my phone off for the moment, I don't want to talk to anyone really. I'm not being miserable, I'm just giving myself some space, I think every one's entitled to a bit of space sometimes.
Monday, 26 October 2009
Day 13: Contradiction
I really don't want to tempt fate here, but I think things are getting easier. I'm not sure if I have just pushed ex to the back of my mind or if every time I think about her it's getting less and less painful. I've either confronted my thoughts about her or I actually have pushed things far enough to the back of my mind that the distance is far enough away not to hurt. Rather like the physical distance I am away from her, hundreds of miles. Either way it seems to be working. I am getting comfortable with the idea of not having a partner. I've written in earlier bogs about how I need someone, how I need to love and be loved. Again, I'm not sure now. I might be coming to terms for the very first time in my life that I don't need that in my life. Having trawled through dating sites (I know this may seem strange but since the beginning of this I was desperate to have someone, my method of coping.) The word independent keeps coming up, many people describe themselves as independent. I couldn't understand this, but I am now, I think. I feel like I'm sort of growing up a bit, I'm a little bit proud of myself for this, it's something I've never faced before in my life. After every failed relationship I've gone out of my way to try and get straight back into another. However, I am aware I'm fragile but I'm hoping if it all crashed down that it won't be too hard and not too much will get broken.
I am of course full of contradictions. I'm finding it very pleasant that since I've lost a few stone some women are looking at me, it does really boost your confidence. I do really fancy the previously mentioned check out girl in Morison's too, but that's just the initial buzz that I'm after, it's not going to happen and actually I don't want it to. It lets me wonder off into a little fantasy, but now at last I know that's all it is, fantasy and now I know that's all I want.
Jake's home this week. Half term. I'm so glad he is home, I do get great comfort from him being around. I hope sometimes that I don't rely on him too much, my emotional crutch. I don't think so, I think most of it goes straight over his head. I hope so, I think he's too busy battling Pokemon on his DSI.
I am of course full of contradictions. I'm finding it very pleasant that since I've lost a few stone some women are looking at me, it does really boost your confidence. I do really fancy the previously mentioned check out girl in Morison's too, but that's just the initial buzz that I'm after, it's not going to happen and actually I don't want it to. It lets me wonder off into a little fantasy, but now at last I know that's all it is, fantasy and now I know that's all I want.
Jake's home this week. Half term. I'm so glad he is home, I do get great comfort from him being around. I hope sometimes that I don't rely on him too much, my emotional crutch. I don't think so, I think most of it goes straight over his head. I hope so, I think he's too busy battling Pokemon on his DSI.
Sunday, 25 October 2009
Day 12: Like A Bat Out Of Hell
Sunday morning and ouch that run was hard. My legs felt like lead as I pounded up the steep hill. I felt like I was running on the same spot at one point. I don't run on a Saturday and it just makes Sunday more difficult. I think the endorphins must kick in by the time I get to the top of the hill, or maybe its just the knowledge that it's all downhill after that.
I went to the pub last night. I do enjoy sitting at the bar with the loud music enveloping me. As I get more and more relaxed the noise and over stimulation make it all feel like a comfortable blanket around me. This would normally be a huge issue for me but not after a few drinks, I'd been drinking wine before I left. The landlord made some stilted efforts to talk to me but I wasn't interested, this was my time. The Karaoke started and a brave chap decided to try the entire nine minutes of Bat Out Of Hell by Meat Loaf. He was good, but I could do better. I can sing, that's not boasting, I just can sing. Maybe it's not singing as such, it's another one of those cool Aspie traits 'echolalia,' the ability to mimic, near perfectly often for me. I can do accents as well. When I was younger I used to have hours of endless fun with phone pranks. At one point in the evening a lady came and stood next to me at the bar drinking. She wasn't waiting for a drink she was just standing there, next to me. After a little while I realised she may want conversation, this was a problem as I had no idea what to say, and if I'm honest was enjoying the atmosphere so much even if she was thirty, petite and blond I wouldn't bother. I turned my back to her and watched another performer on the temporary stage sing his heart out. I'm kidding myself there because I wouldn't have been able to chat her up anyway.
I'm not sure what today holds. My mum said she might not go to church this morning so we can all go out. Jake didn't seem to enthusiastic about it so I don't know what's going to happen. Mum will sulk if we don't go out so I'm trying to get Jake enthused.
I went to the pub last night. I do enjoy sitting at the bar with the loud music enveloping me. As I get more and more relaxed the noise and over stimulation make it all feel like a comfortable blanket around me. This would normally be a huge issue for me but not after a few drinks, I'd been drinking wine before I left. The landlord made some stilted efforts to talk to me but I wasn't interested, this was my time. The Karaoke started and a brave chap decided to try the entire nine minutes of Bat Out Of Hell by Meat Loaf. He was good, but I could do better. I can sing, that's not boasting, I just can sing. Maybe it's not singing as such, it's another one of those cool Aspie traits 'echolalia,' the ability to mimic, near perfectly often for me. I can do accents as well. When I was younger I used to have hours of endless fun with phone pranks. At one point in the evening a lady came and stood next to me at the bar drinking. She wasn't waiting for a drink she was just standing there, next to me. After a little while I realised she may want conversation, this was a problem as I had no idea what to say, and if I'm honest was enjoying the atmosphere so much even if she was thirty, petite and blond I wouldn't bother. I turned my back to her and watched another performer on the temporary stage sing his heart out. I'm kidding myself there because I wouldn't have been able to chat her up anyway.
I'm not sure what today holds. My mum said she might not go to church this morning so we can all go out. Jake didn't seem to enthusiastic about it so I don't know what's going to happen. Mum will sulk if we don't go out so I'm trying to get Jake enthused.
Saturday, 24 October 2009
Day 11: Happy Talk
It's Saturday morning, the weekend is here. I'm feeling a bit uncertain this morning. It's that structure problem again. I've only just realised I could plan what I'm going to do on a Saturday a few days before, then I wouldn't have this problem. I think I get so involved in trying to get through each day at the moment that I loose the ability to think about planning simple mundane things.
I thought I would try the cheerful approach this morning, not too easy when you've got a fuzzy beer head from the night before, not a hangover, just fuzzy. I guess it worked, it freaked Jake out! He decided he would try 'cheerful' too. At breakfast we stuck our tongues out at each other when my parents weren't looking. I, in my usual inappropriate way took things a step to far and made rude hand gestures at Jake, he liked it and struggled to contain his laughter in front of my parents. I do have a problem with being inappropriate sometimes, I've got into trouble in my past over this, nothing serious don't' get me wrong, but I have shocked people. I do have periods when I'm walking round the supermarket and I struggle to hold swear words in. It's not an anger thing at all, it's wanting to be inappropriate, I actually want to be inappropriate sometimes. Other times I just can't help it.
Five days until may parents fly off on holiday. I've promised Jake we can behave like animals when they've gone. Well, maybe not like animals but we can be ourselves, not feel like we have to be on best behaviour, just relax.
I've called this blog 'Happy Talk.' There's been something in my head since my enforced change of circumstances that's said I'm not allowed to be happy. It's not right, you can't be, it's not allowed. I'm going to focus on that in the next few days. That's really why I've made no mention of other things today, let's leave it that way.
I thought I would try the cheerful approach this morning, not too easy when you've got a fuzzy beer head from the night before, not a hangover, just fuzzy. I guess it worked, it freaked Jake out! He decided he would try 'cheerful' too. At breakfast we stuck our tongues out at each other when my parents weren't looking. I, in my usual inappropriate way took things a step to far and made rude hand gestures at Jake, he liked it and struggled to contain his laughter in front of my parents. I do have a problem with being inappropriate sometimes, I've got into trouble in my past over this, nothing serious don't' get me wrong, but I have shocked people. I do have periods when I'm walking round the supermarket and I struggle to hold swear words in. It's not an anger thing at all, it's wanting to be inappropriate, I actually want to be inappropriate sometimes. Other times I just can't help it.
Five days until may parents fly off on holiday. I've promised Jake we can behave like animals when they've gone. Well, maybe not like animals but we can be ourselves, not feel like we have to be on best behaviour, just relax.
I've called this blog 'Happy Talk.' There's been something in my head since my enforced change of circumstances that's said I'm not allowed to be happy. It's not right, you can't be, it's not allowed. I'm going to focus on that in the next few days. That's really why I've made no mention of other things today, let's leave it that way.
Friday, 23 October 2009
Day 10 and a half:This Is How You Spell MUG
Perhaps I should have MUG tattooed to my forehead. After step daughter agreed it wasn't fair to ask me for the money I received a text from ex (now this isn't playing by the rules.) I won't repeat the entire text but basically can I lend her £200, she's been off sick so hasn't been paid? I ignored it. Well she thinks I did, I actually reverted to pacing up and down with my brain spinning a million times a minute. Ping, another text. Other step daughter, can I lend her mum £150? That's because I ignored ex's text. I wrote back saying it's not fair to involve her in this. Twenty minutes later I still hadn't replied to ex's text. Ping ! It's ex again "Please can u help me out just once?" At this point this is where we discover my backbone no longer seems to be there. I replied "I only haven't replied because I've written and rewritten this text a hundred times." Which was true, I'd tried "what sort of fool do you take me for," "Yeah cos I am a mug aren't I." And various ways of writing F' Off. Ping ! "Well are you going to help then?" I grabbed my iphone ready to type and it just came out "You know I will." I've been to the bank, the rest is history !
Apart from proving that I am indeed a mug this did serve another point. In truth it didn't send me spiralling down to the floor with an emotional crash followed by meltdown. I was really rather calm about it. It also made me realise that I really don't particularly like her. It must take some guts to approach someone you've dumped to ask them to borrow money. Either that or you are a selfish, cold hearted....OK, stop there because I'm not bitter, really I was just proving a point, it does demonstrate something of her personality though.
Apart from proving that I am indeed a mug this did serve another point. In truth it didn't send me spiralling down to the floor with an emotional crash followed by meltdown. I was really rather calm about it. It also made me realise that I really don't particularly like her. It must take some guts to approach someone you've dumped to ask them to borrow money. Either that or you are a selfish, cold hearted....OK, stop there because I'm not bitter, really I was just proving a point, it does demonstrate something of her personality though.
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