Thursday, 15 October 2009

Day 2 evening

Just a small post, I get to speak to my daughter in a bit (and sneak to the pub for a very quick couple while I'm out calling Katie, can't get a proper signal in the house - honest...) I
Like being in the pub, I get to watch and listen, it's not loud but a really interesting mix of different enviromental stimuli. I get bold enough to talk to people if I've had a few, generally it's the same conversation that the same people have in every different pub across the country, I can talk politics, especially after a few, it's one of my special interests. My brain is like a sponge for information I'm interested in.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Day Two: Be Positive (Not A Great Start)

I went to bed last night (with the help of Nytol and a few ciders, I'm aware you shouldn't but sleeps so much easier when you're knocked out) with the idea of waking up for a fresh start. No more being miserable about things, try and look forward. I wasn't wanting to be miserable but I think you can allow yourself to wallow in misery. You have to look for a way out or you'll sink.

I deleted 'that' text from my iphone safe in the knowledge that I had a hard copy here anyway, but really I don't want to read it again, no really! I woke at 4.30am and stayed awake till I got up at 7.00am, the time I wake Jake up and then go for a run. I should point out I hate sport, I don't enjoy running but I'm a bit overweight and it allows me to think I run off the calories from drinking. I didn't run because I'm on day two of a cold. So that's how my day started.

Aspies in general don't have an environmental filter, were subject to everything around us at once, so our senses are bombarded constantly. An example of this would be the trying to have a phone conversation with someone and another person in the room starts talking with you too, I can't do it and don't know many Aspies who can. Its not just a multi tasking thing, I'm told our Aspie brains attach the same importance to everything in our surroundings, the TV, the person standing next to you, the ligtbulb, the carpet...It goes on but you get the idea. The reason I mention that was at the moment my parents have Classic FM on, which normally isn't an issue, I like a lot of classical music but its that awful Opera where the woman singing sounds like she just being bloody stupid, the dryer has finished its cycle is beeping loudly and will continue until its attended to, while the fan on my laptop is whirring at a high pitched rate. Combine this with my retired dad wandering around the house humming, whistling or inanely singing and my Aspie head is about to pop, its really distracting me from trying to be positive.

I work from home (or I did when I had one) I work from my parents house, it means I really have no communication with anyone else other than direct family. I've done this for seven years now, so my non existent social skills have really gone. But I now have this yearning to get out of here, don't get me wrong my parents have been incredibly supportive and kind. I'm very grateful, I couldn't stay in the house with my wife when she didn't want me, the rejection was all encompassing at the beginning, this was my escape and now I really need to escape again. I feel like I'm struck in transition. My parents are at least two generations away from me, Jake and I are both Aspies, my mum doesn't know about my diagnosis but knows me. The similarities between Jake and me are glaring, he's a carbon copy, but she wouldn't be able to accept that there's something 'wrong' with me. The same way she took it when she found out about Jake. She understands about Jake now and how some things affect him, knows a reasonable amount about Aspergers but I don't want to go down that route with her, it's unnecessary I'm her son, she knows most of my shortfalls and things I have issues with (although she has this miscomprehension that I've always had loads of friends and am an excellent communicator) but for her I don't need a label, that's how she sees a diagnosis, a label.

My escape is planned. Jake and I are renting a house about 45 minutes drive from where I lived. Far enough so I wont bump into ex but close enough to see my daughter and three other step children (plus step grand daughter.) We're going to rent with my eldest step daughter. She works nearby and I get on very well with her (now at least.) She's twenty and thinks my brain and inappropriate humour are cool (I know that because she tells her friends !) Even though I'm desperate to escape I also know I'm going to have problems with the change, not being here, an entirely different routine. But I've convinced myself that's when my life can start again. I've also convinced myself that I'm going to get some sort of a social life. I think I need to, I have had friends in the past. I'm also desperate to find a partner again. I know that's very wrong, but I hate being alone. I've been like it since I was a teenager. I love to be loved, and love to love. I'll go into that again at some point, I do know its wrong and fairly pointless as I would run a mile if a woman so much as smiled at me, let alone talked to me.

It's working, my god it's working, writing this down has now made me start to feel a bit more positive, its the future and we are allowed to look, maybe only for short periods of time to start with but we can look. Hurray ! I may well do the second part of day two later, things change when Jake comes home, I look forward to seeing him. It's a long time for him to be away while he's at school, I know he hates being there, like I did and I miss him. Don't ever believe Aspies aren't capable of empathy, we are, very much so but I don't think it's the same as NTs empathy.