Monday, 26 October 2009

Day 13: Contradiction

I really don't want to tempt fate here, but I think things are getting easier. I'm not sure if I have just pushed ex to the back of my mind or if every time I think about her it's getting less and less painful. I've either confronted my thoughts about her or I actually have pushed things far enough to the back of my mind that the distance is far enough away not to hurt. Rather like the physical distance I am away from her, hundreds of miles. Either way it seems to be working. I am getting comfortable with the idea of not having a partner. I've written in earlier bogs about how I need someone, how I need to love and be loved. Again, I'm not sure now. I might be coming to terms for the very first time in my life that I don't need that in my life. Having trawled through dating sites (I know this may seem strange but since the beginning of this I was desperate to have someone, my method of coping.) The word independent keeps coming up, many people describe themselves as independent. I couldn't understand this, but I am now, I think. I feel like I'm sort of growing up a bit, I'm a little bit proud of myself for this, it's something I've never faced before in my life. After every failed relationship I've gone out of my way to try and get straight back into another. However, I am aware I'm fragile but I'm hoping if it all crashed down that it won't be too hard and not too much will get broken.
I am of course full of contradictions. I'm finding it very pleasant that since I've lost a few stone some women are looking at me, it does really boost your confidence. I do really fancy the previously mentioned check out girl in Morison's too, but that's just the initial buzz that I'm after, it's not going to happen and actually I don't want it to. It lets me wonder off into a little fantasy, but now at last I know that's all it is, fantasy and now I know that's all I want.
Jake's home this week. Half term. I'm so glad he is home, I do get great comfort from him being around. I hope sometimes that I don't rely on him too much, my emotional crutch. I don't think so, I think most of it goes straight over his head. I hope so, I think he's too busy battling Pokemon on his DSI.