Thursday, 5 November 2009

Day 23: No Turning Back

I was reminded this morning how difficult communication can be. I can have a phone conversation if I plan it. This generally involves thinking about what I need to say to a person then writing down bullet points on a piece of paper before I call. I also need to be the one who's made the call. You call me and we're stumped, I will look for any excuse to end the conversation. I mention this because my good friend called me today, she received a personal reference request from the Estate Agent I'm renting the new house from, she phoned just to confirm how long we had known each other for. Her number flashed up on my iphone and I immediately entered panic mode. We did chat but it was difficult, I struggled after initial polite chat and I always find it difficult knowing where to interject in the conversation. I tried to escape twice, stating I need to go and have a shower, it didn't work she still had things to say. I would like to point out I really normally enjoy conversations with her, she's very understanding, interesting and has a nice sounding voice. If I had made the call it would have been an enjoyable experience. I did look into my problems with phone calls some time ago and I found what I think is the answer to this. Yes, Aspergers is a Communication 'Disorder' (I hate the disorder word, but in this case it is appropriate.) Because of this I think I have learnt to cope with my communication difficulties by being in charge of a situation like this, I can try and communicate but on my terms. I need to be in control. I think that's why routine is so important to me, it's about being in control in a world where the rules constantly change.
I'm now very nervous, step daughter just called. I need to call the estate agent and pay my portion of the deposit. It's a lot of money £1,100. It's pretty much most of my savings I've been able to scramble together. This is it, it's real now. I am so anxious, by doing this I am 100% committing myself to another change, there's no turning back !