Monday, 19 October 2009

Day 6: Learning Lessons or Just Another Day ?

Well, got my wish didn't dream about her. I still woke up an hour before the alarm but managed to to push away any of those thoughts I really don't want to be thinking about. I know the future is difficult but for now I will just have to look as far as 3.55pm when Jake gets home. It's half term holidays for him next week, my parents fly off for two weeks as well. I should hopefully find out about where I'm going to live this week. My step daughter is looking at places to rent on Wednesday morning. We will move at the beginning of November.
It's going to be very strange living with my step daughter. It will be a constant reminder of her mother, but I'm going to have to deal with that, despite getting cross whenever she mentions what her mother is doing. I've told her repeatedly I really don't want to know whatever (I edited this and removed or whoever) she is doing. I'm listening to my parents bickering at the moment, not intentionally, it's just there and part of the environment surrounding me, along with the radio the humm from my mac, the whirring fan of my laptop and the bright blue light on the front of my pc .I do find the constant bombarding of my senses tiring sometimes. Looking back it's always been there but it wasn't until it was explained that NT's can filter this out that I became fully aware of it's impact on my daily life. After my diagnosis I looked back a lot and realised what a massive impact Aspergers has had on my life. I spent the first couple of months post diagnosis going back through many, many life events and thinking ah, yes that's why. Post diagnosis I also let myself become an Aspie. It was very comforting being able to become comfortable being the person you actually are. People started making allowances for me which felt great. I felt able to let out some of my socially inappropriate humour and to a degree my behaviour too.
Reading back through this section (can't go back over day one, I'm supposed to be moving forward) I am realising (although I did already know but not acknowledge to myself) that this time, after this spilt I will have to learn to live with myself. I will have to learn to be happy on my own, it's going to take a long time but I have to try really hard not just to go into a relationship because I want to be loved.