Friday, 16 October 2009

Day 3 Friday Night

Most of this evening involved me telling Natalie (step daughter will be sharing house with) that I really can't deal with hearing what her mums up to and the fact she's going out saturday night, great wish I was.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Day 3: Stumble Before You Walk

I struggle to try and work out why the brain works like it does. I've always understood dreams are the brains way of helping your conscious/subconscious mind work things out. Why oh why put her back in my dreams again. That's just not cricket, not a nice way to wake up either. Its like my mind has decided "you've made decision to move on and be positive, but I'm going to make it as hard as possible for you." Actually maybe I don't want to look too deep into that, there could be months of lying on a psychiatrist chair involved. Either way it seems unfair and a rather disturbing form of torture.
Anyway got up, woke Jake, made his packed lunch. During this time my mum was in the kitchen, I'm very aware she's given up trying to make conversation with me in the morning. Its not that I'm not a morning person, I like mornings (even with a slight Nytol hangover..OK I mixed again with Cider.) I just don't feel any need for pointless banter so early on in the day. Why do NT's feel the need to carp on about nothing of any great meaning in the morning. I would happily join in if I felt we were working out a solution to fix The Large Hadron Collider, but its not it's pointless. I'm happier just sticking to instructions, yes, no's and thank you's. Jake is the same, not a word unless you ask. All this and that lady on the radio, Sarah someone, Radio 2. I really don't mean this unkindly but I don't want to know about what you made your husband (oh how lucky you are that you have a partner) for his evening meal. Stick to the same playlist that's endlessly recycled and the news. In fact a news station in the morning would be much better, that's what I'll listen to when we move.
I ran after that, it only takes 15 to 20 minutes but most of it is uphill so it is a real effort. My mind going over and over the same thing. I am finding it very difficult coming to terms with the fact that I am going to start an entire new life. The NT's I speak to say how exciting this is, but for my Aspie brain this is just a huge amount of uncertainty and a massive change of routine. It's something I know I have to do and I have said I want to escape, but life seems like a big set of scales at the moment, tipping one way then the next.
I want to end this post positive as I'm going to come back to it later. I'm not wallowing in self pity anymore, I truly understand we are not getting back together. I'm past devising endless implausible plans in my mind to win her back. I really am trying to look ahead and see a new life, I just can't see what shape it will be and that's a bit scary !