Day 18: Inbetween Days

I do need to get back to my running really soon. I still have my cold but its not bad enough to stop me running. I'm doing my other exercises but its not the same as my run. I think running makes me focus on thoughts that I usually push away. It also gives me the ability to loose myself in the huge physical effort it is to get this lump of me up a steep hill, even if only at a speed slightly faster than walking.
I feel really odd today, I was grumpy yesterday because of my cold. I feel a bit empty now. I have to work today and tomorrow. I could have finished without having to work the weekend but I wanted to spend some time with Jake during the week. I don't mind working on a Saturday, I wont work all day. It will also give Jake the opportunity to play on his Xbox.
I have had little peaks at the past lately, I don't normally allow myself to do this. It wasn't a self pitying yearn to look back, I was just curious. I wanted to look back at ex and see if I felt a rush of love an emotion come back. I didn't, but maybe my minds firewall is set so secure that I didn't allow it to. I don't know, I just don't know but I probably don't need to.
I'm hoping as the day progresses that Jake wont be in teenage mode again. He's normally such a bright enthusiastic person, I think hormones are kicking in. I've dealt with the other children doing the teenage thing. My daughter was a total nightmare, I've had my share of children screaming and smashing the place up, but I don't think Jake will go down that route. I hope we stay close, he's the most important person in my life right now.

Day 17: Uncertain Smile

Woke up early again, this time with a horrible cold. Running was the last thing on my mind. I wasn't in the best of moods when I came down stairs. I find colds are really inconvenient, I have a set number of days now where I'm going to feel like death warmed up, this wasn't in my plans and it messes things up. Its the last Friday of the month which means pay day. I have a lot of work to do still and my deadline for this lot is Monday. I need to spend a certain amount of time running between banks this morning shifting money around, nothing glamorous believe me just a necessity to keep various creditors happy.
My Step Daughter (my soon to be house mate,) called this morning. I'm impatient (as Jake has found out this morning,) when I'm not feeling well. I didn't really want to talk, especially about interior design and what will fit where in the new house. I behaved and listened well, I'm sure I made all the right noises as well but it was a huge relief when she decided it was time to go. I never want to be rude to people when I'm not interested in talking to them but I'm told it is generally obvious when I'm not interested. My Step Daughter will also call just because shes bored or waiting for a train. It's hard to understand why someone would just do that really. Calling someone without a preplanned question or agenda.
I'm still not quite ready to look into next month and all the changes yet. I know I'm going to have to, because in two days it's going to be here, but I'm holding onto the sameness I have at the moment because it feels safe. I'm also finding I have more happiness in my days now too. Less reflection. If I could just look ahead with less uncertainty I could smile a bit more.
I have decided I would like to ask ex for a divorce.

Day 16: Spit In The Rain

It's slowly dawning on me that the only way to really get through this mess is to stop looking back, it's pointless, not going to solve anything and it bloody well hurts. The other thing is to stop asking why. The later is the same, nothing is going to be resolved, there may be sense to all of this situation but I'm probably not ready to make any sense of it. Just concentrate on getting to wherever I'm going.
Jake and I have have been relaxing since my parents left for holiday yesterday. I have to admit it is strange not having them here. It felt really naughty eating junk for dinner last night but that's not going to stop me doing it again tonight (Jake's request.) I have told him we are having vegetables tonight though. It may end up being a salad out of sheer laziness. I'm a bit worried about being on my own in the house most of the day next week when Jake goes back to school. I know I like solitude but it has to be on my terms. I do like to know I can reach out if necessary.
We had some news about moving yesterday. Looks like we've got the house we were after. We should move in just over two weeks, which will coincide with my parents getting back from holiday. Moving leaves me with so much to think about, it's almost overwhelming. Not only will this be a new routine but it will be a new life. I'm not thinking about it today, I'll push it aside for a bit, I have lots of work to do and can't concentrate on work while thinking about everything that will change when I move.
Today's blog title is a reference to an old Del Amitri song, it's where I found my answers !

Day 15: The Rules Of Socialising

Its funny how you can wake up reasonably positive after a nights sleep. I had some disturbing dreams but ex wasn't there so that made a huge difference to my outlook on things this morning. My stepdaughter and I are waiting to hear the outcome of the house we are hoping to rent. I have a dog, a massive Great Dane called Henry. Ex is looking after him as I wasn't allowed to bring him down to my parents house. It's causing a bit of a problem with renting, no one wants pets. We've asked the letting agent to appeal directly to the landlord of the property, don't know how lucky we'll be but fingers crossed.
My parents are flying off on holiday today, this is a welcome change of routine. 16 days of not worrying if Jake is going to say the wrong thing at meal times. I could make a long list of things that will be different during the next 16 days but we can both relax, be ourselves and not be on best behaviour. I'm 42 and shouldn't be living with my parents. They leave at 12.30 pm.
I went to the pub last night. I was looking to loose myself a bit in alcohol, nothing melancholy, just numb things slightly. I didn't enjoy the pub experience, there were only a few people in. A small group of 3 thitysomethings. They were sat at the bar and so was I. It was obvious I was a loner, it is sometimes and I really feel it. I felt alone and very self conscious. I drank my two pints very quickly. One of the thirtysomethings had nipped out the front for a cigarette, I knew I would have to pass him as I left, this too was going to be uncomfortable. He said cheers as I passed and I tried muttering cheers back, I'm not sure how it came out but I hope he didn't think I was rude. I replayed in my mind the conversations they might be having after I had left. Were they wondering who that strange person is, he comes in says nothing to anyone, drinks his drinks very quickly then leaves? I might be making too much of this, maybe they didn't notice or care.
I get jealous sometimes that people can be in a group exchanging pointless banter. I'm not in a situation where I am able to make the first move to join in their 'fun'. It would probably be difficult anyway as I wouldn't always want to do that every time I went to the pub. I enjoy solitude and would probably be seen as moody if I didn't join in all the time. To be honest it's been so long that I made any attempts at socialising that I've forgotten even the most basic of rules, if I even knew them in the first place.

Day 14: Sleep, Where For Art Thou

I'm in need of a lift today. The day didn't start well but I'm not going to let that spoil the rest of today. Woke at 5.00am , harassed by yet more unwelcome dreams. It's not fair being stalked in your sleep (especially by someone who doesn't want you.) I lay awake tormented by thoughts that I'd previously pushed to the back of my mind. I managed to get back to a semi sleep state, not awake but not asleep. My run was hard, really hard. I think the combination of sleep deprivation and feeling down saps the energy. I decided in the shower that I need something to focus on, I seem to have lost the grip on looking forward. This may stem from a disagreement I had with Jake yesterday, it was only small but the way I'm feeling small things can escalate rapidly in my mind. I phoned my daughter and she reminded me how close Jake and I have become and how much a falling out would affect him. This made me feel pretty awful, I know he's struggling living here too. I tried to get off the phone as quickly as I could, not easy with my daughter, she takes offence at the smallest thing and with my communication issues...well, it's just difficult. I went upstairs to Jake's room expecting him to be either angry or upset with me. He wasn't, he'd taken it all in his stride. I guess he's grown used to my moods, which actually made me feel ten times worse. I've got lots of work on today which is a good thing, keeping busy really helps to day go by. I've switched my phone off for the moment, I don't want to talk to anyone really. I'm not being miserable, I'm just giving myself some space, I think every one's entitled to a bit of space sometimes.

Day 13: Contradiction

I really don't want to tempt fate here, but I think things are getting easier. I'm not sure if I have just pushed ex to the back of my mind or if every time I think about her it's getting less and less painful. I've either confronted my thoughts about her or I actually have pushed things far enough to the back of my mind that the distance is far enough away not to hurt. Rather like the physical distance I am away from her, hundreds of miles. Either way it seems to be working. I am getting comfortable with the idea of not having a partner. I've written in earlier bogs about how I need someone, how I need to love and be loved. Again, I'm not sure now. I might be coming to terms for the very first time in my life that I don't need that in my life. Having trawled through dating sites (I know this may seem strange but since the beginning of this I was desperate to have someone, my method of coping.) The word independent keeps coming up, many people describe themselves as independent. I couldn't understand this, but I am now, I think. I feel like I'm sort of growing up a bit, I'm a little bit proud of myself for this, it's something I've never faced before in my life. After every failed relationship I've gone out of my way to try and get straight back into another. However, I am aware I'm fragile but I'm hoping if it all crashed down that it won't be too hard and not too much will get broken.
I am of course full of contradictions. I'm finding it very pleasant that since I've lost a few stone some women are looking at me, it does really boost your confidence. I do really fancy the previously mentioned check out girl in Morison's too, but that's just the initial buzz that I'm after, it's not going to happen and actually I don't want it to. It lets me wonder off into a little fantasy, but now at last I know that's all it is, fantasy and now I know that's all I want.
Jake's home this week. Half term. I'm so glad he is home, I do get great comfort from him being around. I hope sometimes that I don't rely on him too much, my emotional crutch. I don't think so, I think most of it goes straight over his head. I hope so, I think he's too busy battling Pokemon on his DSI.

Day 12: Like A Bat Out Of Hell

Sunday morning and ouch that run was hard. My legs felt like lead as I pounded up the steep hill. I felt like I was running on the same spot at one point. I don't run on a Saturday and it just makes Sunday more difficult. I think the endorphins must kick in by the time I get to the top of the hill, or maybe its just the knowledge that it's all downhill after that.
I went to the pub last night. I do enjoy sitting at the bar with the loud music enveloping me. As I get more and more relaxed the noise and over stimulation make it all feel like a comfortable blanket around me. This would normally be a huge issue for me but not after a few drinks, I'd been drinking wine before I left. The landlord made some stilted efforts to talk to me but I wasn't interested, this was my time. The Karaoke started and a brave chap decided to try the entire nine minutes of Bat Out Of Hell by Meat Loaf. He was good, but I could do better. I can sing, that's not boasting, I just can sing. Maybe it's not singing as such, it's another one of those cool Aspie traits 'echolalia,' the ability to mimic, near perfectly often for me. I can do accents as well. When I was younger I used to have hours of endless fun with phone pranks. At one point in the evening a lady came and stood next to me at the bar drinking. She wasn't waiting for a drink she was just standing there, next to me. After a little while I realised she may want conversation, this was a problem as I had no idea what to say, and if I'm honest was enjoying the atmosphere so much even if she was thirty, petite and blond I wouldn't bother. I turned my back to her and watched another performer on the temporary stage sing his heart out. I'm kidding myself there because I wouldn't have been able to chat her up anyway.
I'm not sure what today holds. My mum said she might not go to church this morning so we can all go out. Jake didn't seem to enthusiastic about it so I don't know what's going to happen. Mum will sulk if we don't go out so I'm trying to get Jake enthused.

Day 11: Happy Talk

It's Saturday morning, the weekend is here. I'm feeling a bit uncertain this morning. It's that structure problem again. I've only just realised I could plan what I'm going to do on a Saturday a few days before, then I wouldn't have this problem. I think I get so involved in trying to get through each day at the moment that I loose the ability to think about planning simple mundane things.
I thought I would try the cheerful approach this morning, not too easy when you've got a fuzzy beer head from the night before, not a hangover, just fuzzy. I guess it worked, it freaked Jake out! He decided he would try 'cheerful' too. At breakfast we stuck our tongues out at each other when my parents weren't looking. I, in my usual inappropriate way took things a step to far and made rude hand gestures at Jake, he liked it and struggled to contain his laughter in front of my parents. I do have a problem with being inappropriate sometimes, I've got into trouble in my past over this, nothing serious don't' get me wrong, but I have shocked people. I do have periods when I'm walking round the supermarket and I struggle to hold swear words in. It's not an anger thing at all, it's wanting to be inappropriate, I actually want to be inappropriate sometimes. Other times I just can't help it.
Five days until may parents fly off on holiday. I've promised Jake we can behave like animals when they've gone. Well, maybe not like animals but we can be ourselves, not feel like we have to be on best behaviour, just relax.
I've called this blog 'Happy Talk.' There's been something in my head since my enforced change of circumstances that's said I'm not allowed to be happy. It's not right, you can't be, it's not allowed. I'm going to focus on that in the next few days. That's really why I've made no mention of other things today, let's leave it that way.

Day 10 and a half:This Is How You Spell MUG

Perhaps I should have MUG tattooed to my forehead. After step daughter agreed it wasn't fair to ask me for the money I received a text from ex (now this isn't playing by the rules.) I won't repeat the entire text but basically can I lend her £200, she's been off sick so hasn't been paid? I ignored it. Well she thinks I did, I actually reverted to pacing up and down with my brain spinning a million times a minute. Ping, another text. Other step daughter, can I lend her mum £150? That's because I ignored ex's text. I wrote back saying it's not fair to involve her in this. Twenty minutes later I still hadn't replied to ex's text. Ping ! It's ex again "Please can u help me out just once?" At this point this is where we discover my backbone no longer seems to be there. I replied "I only haven't replied because I've written and rewritten this text a hundred times." Which was true, I'd tried "what sort of fool do you take me for," "Yeah cos I am a mug aren't I." And various ways of writing F' Off. Ping ! "Well are you going to help then?" I grabbed my iphone ready to type and it just came out "You know I will." I've been to the bank, the rest is history !
Apart from proving that I am indeed a mug this did serve another point. In truth it didn't send me spiralling down to the floor with an emotional crash followed by meltdown. I was really rather calm about it. It also made me realise that I really don't particularly like her. It must take some guts to approach someone you've dumped to ask them to borrow money. Either that or you are a selfish, cold hearted....OK, stop there because I'm not bitter, really I was just proving a point, it does demonstrate something of her personality though.

Day 10: Running To Stand Still

As far as my titles (above) are concerned you'll have to excuse the constant references to songs. I actually was thinking of U2's song "With or without you" while running this morning. Yes ex appeared again, in fact a long and vivid dream that had a bit of a lasting effect through theearly  morning. My mum commented at breakfast "you're very quiet this morning are you alright?" I'm sure if I understand irony correctly that there is some in there somewhere. I reassured her that I was fine, just thinking. My point about 'With or without you' by U2 was Bono (the lead singer) sings 'I can't live with or without you.' I'm not harking back to my wallowing in self pity. I just thought well yes you can. face it you have to, the other option is death and no, I've had some dark thoughts in the early weeks of all this but no. It's dawning on me that I have to unstitch myself from her, separation is exactly that. It may seem blindingly obvious to others but things like this are taking their time to come to the surface for me. There really are some very literal things I need to think through and act upon. 

I'm a bit thrown writing this. I cant access my blog from my PC so I'm writing it from my Mac. It's still a qwerty keyboard but subtle little things are laid out differently. I use my Mac for work (I'm a Sound Designer) and it seems strange using it to blog. I like to keep work very separate from home. I'm also beginning to hate the word home, I would prefer to use the word transition area. I'm not really sure when I will be able to use the word home again. I won't own my own home once the bank have taken it back, at 42 there's very little chance of owning one again. I'll be renting and it will be someones home that I'm borrowing. Maybe I'll think differently once I've moved, for the moment that's one I'll leave to think about later. 

I've started listening to music again.  Another personal achievement! I've even downloaded some new music. In the past I've stuck to downloading old classics, I know the lyrics and they feel comfortable. I've used them to reflect on past 'dramas' that don't hurt anymore. By downloading new music I'm looking at it as moving on, something new. But I'm also very aware that I'm creating a new soundtrack for this period of my life, something I can play in the months and years to come, songs I can play, look back on and it won't hurt. 

I got cross with Jake yesterday. Sometimes I get impatient with him, which I hate. I prefer to save my impatience for other people, not Jake. He was doing something that didn't deserve the response he got. I didn't think he was reacting intelligently when I questioned him about something wrong that he was doing. Actually he was just reacting in an Aspie way. I, of all people should have understood that, I just don't sometimes. I walked off thought about it and went back and had a chat and a hug with him. Reassured him that it really is just him and me at the moment and we will face things together and look after each other. He got his Nintendo DSI back and thus is now happy! I can hug Jake without that normal horrible shudder I feel when touching someone. 

I've just had a huge nasty moral dilemma . My Step daughter just sent me a text asking if she could borrow a further £200 (I lent her £50 yesterday.) She ended the text saying she couldn't explain why. Well, I knew what that meant, for her mum. Ex is worse with money than I am. I sent a text back saying I would happily lend her the money but it wasn't fair to ask me to ask me if this was for her mum. I feel really awful doing that. I don't know if that was right or not. I tried phoning my friend who I mentioned a few blogs ago, but she's not answering her mobile. Step daughter has just sent a text saying she hopes she hasn't upset me she was just trying to help her family. I replied that I felt bad but I couldn't be part of it, that it was  illogical but I just couldn't do it. I explained I've had to become hard through all of this and I hate myself for it. 

I don't know if what I have done is right, but I do know I may end up going to the bank and transferring it for her. I hope not but I think I might. 

Day 9: Social Networking, Online, The Aspie Way

I've found myself strangely drawn to Twitter. I only joined a week ago. I joined initially to promote my blog. I guess I wanted people to read my blog to see if anyone else related to how I think. I wanted to write it all down so I could try and understand how ex couldn't just want me anymore. It's a question I push out of my head many times a day, I've shied away from writing it down in case it really hurts doing that. I was also worried writing it down may just increase the number of times it comes into my head, then is told to go away (in no uncertain terms.) So here goes:
Why didn't you want me anymore? Explain, why was I your soul mate the week before you finished it all, you said I was your best friend. There, done. I'm leaving that now. I've written it down and realise it's not going to help knowing the answers, she did try and tell me in that text, I don't want to read it again and anyway it really wont help, just move on.
Back to Twittering, (...no the social network.) As mentioned I joined to promote the blog, I posted links to the blog in the sections related to Aspergers. I wasn't going to follow any other tweeters, sheep follow and I was above that. That is until I started reading the posts. For those who don't know each Tweet is limited to 140 letters. It's amazing how much you can fit into 140 letters. So I've found myself not only offering snippets of Aspie advice to tweeters in the Aspie sections, but also checking frequently during the day to see whats going on in this little community.
I also 'do' Facebook. I don't really know why. I don't mention anything Aspie related on there. It's mainly work friends, that's a strange description 'work friends.' I work from home so non of them really know me at all, very few are privileged to know I'm an Aspie. I get slightly disheartened when I post something on Facebook and it gets largely ignored by the people listed as 'friends.' I think my younger brother (more about him another day) see's my posts, realises no one else has commented and makes a Facebook comment just so my post doesn't read 'zero comments.' This though has the effect of reminding me just how socially retarded I am.
I am aware I don't come across as an interesting person. I've never been able to keep up in conversations. Actually stop there ! That's no strictly true. I revert to comedy, generally playing the fool. Especially where there's alcohol involved, I'm able to come out of my shell when slightly inebriated, I wonder if that's the same for other Aspies. If I go past slightly inebriated I can even flirt and find I have the ability to chat up women, I do generally make a prize prat of myself but hey at least I had a go.

Day 8: Living In My Own World? (Thank You)

I'm feeling a bit numb this morning, which may be a good thing. I woke up and was able to get back to sleep, despite the now all to familiar unwelcome appearance by ex. When I woke after dreaming of her I wasn't filled with dread and loss, I just thought 'oh well now get back to sleep.' This is probably a huge step and I should be congratulating myself but I just feel a bit emotionless and numb. I think I've gone past the feeling sorry for myself stage, I'm just not sure what's next.
While running this morning I thought I might be a bit depressed, not in the 'there's no light at the end of the tunnel' traditional view of someones who's depressed, but just my whole being is a bit depressed, a bit more insular than usual. I am getting back on top of things (it frightens me when I write statements like that because this could just be another point where the scales are tipped to the good side, waiting for another glitch to make me crash to the ground.) I think it's really helped completely cutting out contact with her, each day without contact things seem to get better. I've even found myself singing to myself in the evening, I was doing it twice last night and thought at the time, oh this is something you used to do when you were happy.
I've been interrupted a number of times while writing this, it reminded me of what an inpatient person I am, it's a personality trait of mine that I'm not too happy with. I do try to be less impatient with people but I think people notice that I'm trying, making a huge effort. I have the attention span of a goldfish. I have learned to try and take an interest in what other people are saying but unless I'm feeling 100% I just don't get it right. I know that you are supposed to come up with questions about the topic the other person has been talking to you about, but it's such a bloody effort to do it, sometimes even when it's a subject I'm interested in. At breakfast, lunch and the evening meal I really make no effort at conversation, it worries me that I'm offending my parents, I don't mean to, but I think I've gone through all the normal polite things people say, repeating them over and over (like NTs do with the weather conversation) just seems a waste of time and an insult to my intelligence. Why don't we all be honest and just admit none of us really has anything to say that the other person is interested in. Lets stop struggling to make conversation and just be quiet. I do understand that this may just be my Aspie way of seeing things and NTs may actually enjoy this nonsense. I used to have this with ex too, on her nights off I would struggle to have a conversation and would often revert to "is there anything I can get you?" - "Do you want a cup of tea?" I wanted to be interested and was desperate to be able to say things but I couldn't do it.
I always fought the traditional NT view that Aspies 'live in their own world.' I'm looking at this differently now. I used to (funnily enough) take this very literally, but if you look at it without saying that I literally 'live in another world' then I do. I've not explained that well, sometimes there are things that I am just unable to translate into NT language, maybe you'll get what I mean. Maybe I'll come back to it.

Day 7: Running Up That Hill

I keep bumping into people I know on line who haven't heard of my personal change of circumstances (I think that's how it's described.) It's a real pain as I have to go through it all again, tears well up in my eyes as I write down what's happened. If James Blunt doesn't sod off singing "Good bye my lover" in my head soon then I'm in danger of sinking again.
I mentioned I don't really have friends, well I have a few, OK a couple. I spoke with one of them last night. I feel so confident when I talk to her as she has a deep understanding of Aspergers herself. She has an Aspie husband and son. I have never met anyone who has such a grasp on how the Aspie mind works, she just 'knows.' It's always a pleasure talking to her (or maybe at her sometimes.) She helped me when everything went wrong, I don't think I'll ever be able to repay her kindness but if that's what friends are I would have more.
Ex was there again, uninvited as ever in my dreams. It's not affecting my entire morning now though, maybe its even getting easier (I really don't know as things go up one minute the crash down hard the next.) Maybe that's why my mind puts her there, making me face it so that although it hurts having this reminder, I have to face it so eventually it hurts less each time. It would be so much easier if we could just switch emotion on and off, why can't we do that? Anyway that's for someone with a comfortable couch to work out at a later date (comments from professionals welcome.)
I'm spending more time pondering over the fact that it's the routine I'd built for myself with her rather than missing her so much. It was a comfortable, safe routine. It was the same most days for years. Ex worked nights and slept days so actually when she did have a night off it did interrupt my routine, to be honest didn't enjoy her being there that much. My god I can't believe I've written that down!
Just to go off on a tangent a minute I have a confession. I often go to the supermarket, it's my new special interest and gets me out of the house. There is a check out girl who works in Morrisons, she smiles lots and is very friendly, she's very pretty in a different way. She's also a bit younger than me. I wouldn't want anything to happen (yeah,) but for the last couple of times I've visited Morrisons I've made eye contact, I've wanted to make eye contact , smiled back and it felt really nice, a shudder when we made eye contact but it was a nice shudder that left me smiling and feeling really good about life. That feeling lasts a while too (not hours like I wish it would) but long enough to know that there can be happiness again. Problem is I've been making excuses to shop there everyday, I go and only buy a few items (she works on the 10 items or less checkout) so I'm sure she has me down as a stalker now. Time to change to Asda, even though that little shudder is like a drug, but something to cling to while running up that hill.

Day 6: Learning Lessons or Just Another Day ?

Well, got my wish didn't dream about her. I still woke up an hour before the alarm but managed to to push away any of those thoughts I really don't want to be thinking about. I know the future is difficult but for now I will just have to look as far as 3.55pm when Jake gets home. It's half term holidays for him next week, my parents fly off for two weeks as well. I should hopefully find out about where I'm going to live this week. My step daughter is looking at places to rent on Wednesday morning. We will move at the beginning of November.
It's going to be very strange living with my step daughter. It will be a constant reminder of her mother, but I'm going to have to deal with that, despite getting cross whenever she mentions what her mother is doing. I've told her repeatedly I really don't want to know whatever (I edited this and removed or whoever) she is doing. I'm listening to my parents bickering at the moment, not intentionally, it's just there and part of the environment surrounding me, along with the radio the humm from my mac, the whirring fan of my laptop and the bright blue light on the front of my pc .I do find the constant bombarding of my senses tiring sometimes. Looking back it's always been there but it wasn't until it was explained that NT's can filter this out that I became fully aware of it's impact on my daily life. After my diagnosis I looked back a lot and realised what a massive impact Aspergers has had on my life. I spent the first couple of months post diagnosis going back through many, many life events and thinking ah, yes that's why. Post diagnosis I also let myself become an Aspie. It was very comforting being able to become comfortable being the person you actually are. People started making allowances for me which felt great. I felt able to let out some of my socially inappropriate humour and to a degree my behaviour too.
Reading back through this section (can't go back over day one, I'm supposed to be moving forward) I am realising (although I did already know but not acknowledge to myself) that this time, after this spilt I will have to learn to live with myself. I will have to learn to be happy on my own, it's going to take a long time but I have to try really hard not just to go into a relationship because I want to be loved.

Day 5 End Of Anger Management (For Today)

If I can just sleep till my alarm goes off and without a certain person constantly entering my dreams. If I can just manage that I'll get on fine in the morning. I do actually want to to be happy. Note to in self in future blog before Nytol and cider.

Day 5: Anger Management This Must Be Stage 2

Woke up early and angry. Don't want to read 'that' text at the beginning again, want to stop thinking about the whole splitting up thing. That's the reason I'm here, that's the reason I'm loosing my house and will end up either bankrupt and seriously poor for some time or just plain seriously poor for sometime. I've lost my life and my house. I can build a new life but I'm angry that I have to. I guess it's not just Aspies who fear the uncertainty of a new future, but it is scary.
All this anger has made me unsure of what I want to do. I know I can't stay here any longer. My dear, kind parents are really driving both Jake and I mad. I'm building up resentment towards them, I'm Jake's parent(s) not them. I won't tell them how much it's bothering me because I don't do that, I didn't much with ex and I'm not going to start now. If you tell someone it's confrontational and I don't do confrontation, maybe I'm just a coward. I'll just sigh or huff and get on with it, that used to drive ex mad and I'm now getting some sort of perverse enjoyment from the thought of that.
I think I have to go through a hate stage. I went through it with my first wife, it helped. I feel no hate towards her now, haven't for a very long time, years. I feel nothing towards her and can't even remember what it was I ever felt towards her. That, in my opinion is when you are over someone. I'd be deluding myself if I said I was over ex, but I'm angry and feeling hateful which I think is a good sign. It's a move away from desperately wanting her back, which may also have just been not wanting things to change (Aspie.) I don't know I'm not sure about that but I might have to face the truth that it wasn't just her who hadn't been happy in the relationship.
Thank God mum has turned the radio down, any more of Steve Wrigtht and his bloody Sunday morning love songs and...well !
Another unstructured day ahead, help. I was quietly pleased when Jake came bounding into the kitchen declaring that he was going to sue Morrisons. He had discovered the special offer chewing gum he bought yesterday was out of date. Told him we couldn't really afford to sue Morrisions but we could return the offending items and have them exchanged. This also gave me good reason to drag him round the supermarket again, adding at least one tiny insignificant thing to my non existent agenda. Someone get me a life, or move me somewhere where I feel I can just slouch in front of the TV and watch cookery programs with my feet on the coffee table.

Day Four: Evening Peace?

A reasonable day. Kept busy, that seems to be the thing to do. Had Jake with me all day, he drives me potty sometimes, but I love him to bits. He even put up with wondering around supermarket after supermarket just so I didn't have to come back "home." He's got pretty good at pointing out potential new partners too. It's funny, I've lost a fair bit of weight now. I also dress smartly now and I've started to notice the occasional (and I mean occasional) woman smiling at me. A huge boost to my mood believe me. I hope the mood stays like this, not overwhelmingly happy but not miserable.

Day Four: Dont Start As You Mean To Go On

What is this with my head, more torturous dreams followed by tossing and turning at 6.00 am. Not making huge headways in the moving on department. Had breakfast and need to think of something to do today. There's no structure to the weekend and that's something that is important to me. I had to speak to the bank yesterday, been putting off the chat about mortgage arrears and repossesion for a while. It's done now ! Sent a text to ex half an hour ago informing her they will start proceedings in January, followed it with a text straight after saying no need to text back. I'm angry with her and I think that's a really good thing. I'm hoping anger will help replace those other feelings. And let's face it my life has been turned upside down, I've got a right to be angry. I now need to figure out what to do today.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Day 3 Friday Night

Most of this evening involved me telling Natalie (step daughter will be sharing house with) that I really can't deal with hearing what her mums up to and the fact she's going out saturday night, great wish I was.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Day 3: Stumble Before You Walk

I struggle to try and work out why the brain works like it does. I've always understood dreams are the brains way of helping your conscious/subconscious mind work things out. Why oh why put her back in my dreams again. That's just not cricket, not a nice way to wake up either. Its like my mind has decided "you've made decision to move on and be positive, but I'm going to make it as hard as possible for you." Actually maybe I don't want to look too deep into that, there could be months of lying on a psychiatrist chair involved. Either way it seems unfair and a rather disturbing form of torture.
Anyway got up, woke Jake, made his packed lunch. During this time my mum was in the kitchen, I'm very aware she's given up trying to make conversation with me in the morning. Its not that I'm not a morning person, I like mornings (even with a slight Nytol hangover..OK I mixed again with Cider.) I just don't feel any need for pointless banter so early on in the day. Why do NT's feel the need to carp on about nothing of any great meaning in the morning. I would happily join in if I felt we were working out a solution to fix The Large Hadron Collider, but its not it's pointless. I'm happier just sticking to instructions, yes, no's and thank you's. Jake is the same, not a word unless you ask. All this and that lady on the radio, Sarah someone, Radio 2. I really don't mean this unkindly but I don't want to know about what you made your husband (oh how lucky you are that you have a partner) for his evening meal. Stick to the same playlist that's endlessly recycled and the news. In fact a news station in the morning would be much better, that's what I'll listen to when we move.
I ran after that, it only takes 15 to 20 minutes but most of it is uphill so it is a real effort. My mind going over and over the same thing. I am finding it very difficult coming to terms with the fact that I am going to start an entire new life. The NT's I speak to say how exciting this is, but for my Aspie brain this is just a huge amount of uncertainty and a massive change of routine. It's something I know I have to do and I have said I want to escape, but life seems like a big set of scales at the moment, tipping one way then the next.
I want to end this post positive as I'm going to come back to it later. I'm not wallowing in self pity anymore, I truly understand we are not getting back together. I'm past devising endless implausible plans in my mind to win her back. I really am trying to look ahead and see a new life, I just can't see what shape it will be and that's a bit scary !

Day 2 evening

Just a small post, I get to speak to my daughter in a bit (and sneak to the pub for a very quick couple while I'm out calling Katie, can't get a proper signal in the house - honest...) I
Like being in the pub, I get to watch and listen, it's not loud but a really interesting mix of different enviromental stimuli. I get bold enough to talk to people if I've had a few, generally it's the same conversation that the same people have in every different pub across the country, I can talk politics, especially after a few, it's one of my special interests. My brain is like a sponge for information I'm interested in.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Day Two: Be Positive (Not A Great Start)

I went to bed last night (with the help of Nytol and a few ciders, I'm aware you shouldn't but sleeps so much easier when you're knocked out) with the idea of waking up for a fresh start. No more being miserable about things, try and look forward. I wasn't wanting to be miserable but I think you can allow yourself to wallow in misery. You have to look for a way out or you'll sink.

I deleted 'that' text from my iphone safe in the knowledge that I had a hard copy here anyway, but really I don't want to read it again, no really! I woke at 4.30am and stayed awake till I got up at 7.00am, the time I wake Jake up and then go for a run. I should point out I hate sport, I don't enjoy running but I'm a bit overweight and it allows me to think I run off the calories from drinking. I didn't run because I'm on day two of a cold. So that's how my day started.

Aspies in general don't have an environmental filter, were subject to everything around us at once, so our senses are bombarded constantly. An example of this would be the trying to have a phone conversation with someone and another person in the room starts talking with you too, I can't do it and don't know many Aspies who can. Its not just a multi tasking thing, I'm told our Aspie brains attach the same importance to everything in our surroundings, the TV, the person standing next to you, the ligtbulb, the carpet...It goes on but you get the idea. The reason I mention that was at the moment my parents have Classic FM on, which normally isn't an issue, I like a lot of classical music but its that awful Opera where the woman singing sounds like she just being bloody stupid, the dryer has finished its cycle is beeping loudly and will continue until its attended to, while the fan on my laptop is whirring at a high pitched rate. Combine this with my retired dad wandering around the house humming, whistling or inanely singing and my Aspie head is about to pop, its really distracting me from trying to be positive.

I work from home (or I did when I had one) I work from my parents house, it means I really have no communication with anyone else other than direct family. I've done this for seven years now, so my non existent social skills have really gone. But I now have this yearning to get out of here, don't get me wrong my parents have been incredibly supportive and kind. I'm very grateful, I couldn't stay in the house with my wife when she didn't want me, the rejection was all encompassing at the beginning, this was my escape and now I really need to escape again. I feel like I'm struck in transition. My parents are at least two generations away from me, Jake and I are both Aspies, my mum doesn't know about my diagnosis but knows me. The similarities between Jake and me are glaring, he's a carbon copy, but she wouldn't be able to accept that there's something 'wrong' with me. The same way she took it when she found out about Jake. She understands about Jake now and how some things affect him, knows a reasonable amount about Aspergers but I don't want to go down that route with her, it's unnecessary I'm her son, she knows most of my shortfalls and things I have issues with (although she has this miscomprehension that I've always had loads of friends and am an excellent communicator) but for her I don't need a label, that's how she sees a diagnosis, a label.

My escape is planned. Jake and I are renting a house about 45 minutes drive from where I lived. Far enough so I wont bump into ex but close enough to see my daughter and three other step children (plus step grand daughter.) We're going to rent with my eldest step daughter. She works nearby and I get on very well with her (now at least.) She's twenty and thinks my brain and inappropriate humour are cool (I know that because she tells her friends !) Even though I'm desperate to escape I also know I'm going to have problems with the change, not being here, an entirely different routine. But I've convinced myself that's when my life can start again. I've also convinced myself that I'm going to get some sort of a social life. I think I need to, I have had friends in the past. I'm also desperate to find a partner again. I know that's very wrong, but I hate being alone. I've been like it since I was a teenager. I love to be loved, and love to love. I'll go into that again at some point, I do know its wrong and fairly pointless as I would run a mile if a woman so much as smiled at me, let alone talked to me.

It's working, my god it's working, writing this down has now made me start to feel a bit more positive, its the future and we are allowed to look, maybe only for short periods of time to start with but we can look. Hurray ! I may well do the second part of day two later, things change when Jake comes home, I look forward to seeing him. It's a long time for him to be away while he's at school, I know he hates being there, like I did and I miss him. Don't ever believe Aspies aren't capable of empathy, we are, very much so but I don't think it's the same as NTs empathy.

Day One: A Bit Of Background

My name's Dave Im 42 and in a mess, here's some background. I currently live in Cornwall with my parents and 13 year old son I have been married twice and am separated from my second wife, so I dont have to go through it all here's the text she sent me this morning:

"And I hate being bipolar. You are better than most neuro typs, we just f**ked up It just got to the point that cant go back. I was so unhappy and not living a life. Im fully aware that's it was my fault, u should have stayed clear of me. Maybe one day we can talk about it but just remember it was my fault. Please dont text back."

I didn't but I also haven't deleted the text like every search of "how to get over someone" reveals when you google it, that and letters and photos (Ive just moved the photos to a folder I cant see on my PC.) Its been a month since we separated and this is my moving on process, pretty much tried all the others so here goes:
I have Aspergers Syndrome, its an Autistic Spectrum Disorder (although I find the term disorder offensive) for future reference I'll refer to anyone with Aspergers as an Aspie, a common term now. Everyone else who doesn't have Aspergers become NTs - Neurotypical, again offensive term but 'normal people' - I struggle with that bit as I find many of your habits very strange. You'll work out mine as the days unfold. Obviously there are common traits for Aspergers Syndrome but like NTs each Aspie is different and we all have different levels of each trait. The main things that affect my life are

Routine - I like to know what, where and how about almost everything in my day, I don't appreciate change it unsettles and unnerves me (and I am still struggling a month later not living in my home, its just not the same) Time also is a player in this, same time doing stuff is a pain but again if I want it safe/easy I try and stick to it

People - Ahh yes this is a big one. Aspergers is a communication disorder. I'm not great at speaking with people, dont really like it and thus have no friends really, I like having selected people around me , I do find comfort in it but also don't really enjoy conversations unless its about something I'm interested in, in general we Aspies don't do small talk. I am trained to do hello but stumble very soon after that. NEVER leave me in a room with one other person.

Eye Contact - No, no, no no ! I hate it, it feels like you are looking into my soul (and you're not allowed there.) It burns. I did do eye contact with my ex and also my step grand daughter (yes I am only 42.) If I ever feel able to see my ex again it will be interesting to see if I can do eye contact.

The last bit i'll do about background for the moment is a small but important fact so that you get a bit more of the picture. As much as 90% of communication is non verbal, again most Aspies including me have real problems reading non verbal communication - facial expressions to body language - see how much of the picture were missing.

That's the background taken care of for the moment, I'll have to nip back and forth now and then for reference but as mentioned it'll all unfold soon. Tomorrow day two.