Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Day 28: Day Off

I'm having a day off from everything today, the overload is too much. I've no idea where I am and no idea what's to come. I haven't returned to misery, i just can't get my mind round how everything is going to change. I am a proud man and need to work, it's part of my reason for living. It's formed everything that has been me for 20 plus years. I've lived a certain lifestyle for 10 of those years and am in a panic that I have to go right back to the poverty I once knew. It's all up in the air and that ain't great for an Aspie brain. Fingers crossed !

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Dasy 28: Yesterday

What a morning. I woke with an empty mind. I think I must still be in shock after yesterdays news. There were some tears yesterday, I think there may be more today. I collected Jake from school at lunch time yesterday, I couldn't face being on my own. I need to set a day aside today to grieve. It's another one of those head in the sand days. I know I have a lot of thinking and planning to do. I know I need to get my CV together, there really are countless things I need to do. I just don't want to today. Already the obituaries are appearing on facebook. Mine reads:
" Well I guess The Fat Lady is belting it out now. I've had many great years working with you all it's been a pleasure."
A lot of good people were let go yesterday. I have my meeting with HR in fifteen minutes to discuss what happens next. I still feel numb, this is another short post because I can't write when I don't feel and now I don't feel

Monday, 9 November 2009

Day 27: Numb

It's been a day that I can't even begin to look back on. I found out I'm loosing my job today. 14 years in the same job that I love !

Sunday, 8 November 2009

Day 26: Sweet Disposition

I decided to blog at the other end of the day today. This morning was great I managed to sleep in. Sleep no longer seems to be an enemy, no longer an instrument of torture. Ex has appeared a few times but it doesn't cause the searing pain that it used to when I woke up, it doesn't spread a blanket of misery across the day like before. I had been in a hurry to move on but I now realise you can't hurry something like that, it has to happen gradually. When I split from my first wife I was desperate to get back into a relationship, very much like I was at the beginning of this split. I seem to be learning to be happy without wanting or needing another partner. I'm not sure I want to have someone who takes over my entire existence, I think I want to find out more about myself first. I hope I'm not setting myself up for a huge fall, I really believe I'm getting stronger. I no longer see being on my own as a terrible thing, that way whatever happens I will be OK.
The weather was nice this morning, cold and bright. Jake and I took the opportunity to have a drive round North Cornwall. This is our last Sunday here, strangely I will have a bit of nostalgia for Cornwall. Although it's only been a few months, it's been memorable (a lot of it for the wrong reasons.) Jake was happy because I had Radio 1 playing. Sunday morning is about the only time I can tolerate that station. We stopped at one small town and had a momentously small walk, neither of us could be bothered really. I think Jake was hoping we'd have lunch out, in fact I even remember him saying "It's nice to have lunch out isn't it?" He's so subtle, especially as he followed it with "Oh, I know we aren't going to." It was getting late so I did give in and buy him a cheese and onion pasty. He ate it in the car, the pasty was hot and smelt so good, I did want one but resisted and had Ryvita when I came home instead.

Saturday, 7 November 2009

Day 25: Noise Annoys

A rainy Saturday afternoon, it's enough to leave you feeling quite melancholic. Or you could take the Billy Collonny concept of weather "In Scotland there's no such thing as bad weather only the wrong clothes." I admire that sort of approach to life, there's something almost genius about being able to think that way. I'm being a little intolerant with Jake today, I don't want to be but I am. The fact that I know I'm being impatient with him makes me feel bad, a good reason to be less snappy, an even better reason is that it's not nice for Jake. It can be very difficult at times, I find it hard to explain to him in a way that he will understand when he's doing something that annoys. This is my shortfall ! An example would be, as we go around the supermarket Jake (like any 13 year old) will want all the junk he sees. He knows it's pointless asking me, he does get treats but he's not having junk everyday. He has developed a habit of saying "Well I know you're going to say no so I wont even bother asking for a milkshake." Substitute milkshake for another calorific, sugary or fattening item. He does this for every thing he wants as we walk round. He then sulks when I either ignore or say no. I am finding this annoying at the moment.
I'm going to find us something to do this afternoon. If I don't Jake will end up on his Xbox all afternoon (something I don't allow) and I'll end up glued to the food channel. I have bought some new clothes lately, it makes you feel good wearing new clothes. All my old clothes are now really too big on me to wear, I might go clothes shopping, retail therapy.

Friday, 6 November 2009

Day 24: Cinnamon Girl

I've spent most of the first half of the day worrying about work. More rumours of cuts and senior management meetings. I survived the last set by the skin of my teeth. I hope nothings going to happen, I like my job and I'm pretty good at it. I've been working for the same company for 14 years too. That wasn't just a case of not wanting a routine change I really do get a buzz from what I do. The big problem is that I work in a niche market and getting another job doing what I'm doing would be pretty impossible. I would have to retrain and doubt I would find anything that pays what I get now, also I work from home. I have spoken to a couple of people about my fears of loosing my job. I don't think they understand how all encompassing the the thought of change can be to an Aspie mind, which I find strange because it's Aspies not NT's who are supposed to have a problem with empathy! All I can do is use my new ability (learnt after my split) and push the thoughts to the back of my mind until Monday when I should know.
So far all the work thoughts are spoiling me wanting to be excited about my move. I've spoken to Step Daughter a lot. She has the keys and is busy moving in. I keep getting little snippets of feedback on what she's found or how we'll need this or that. I haven't bought myself and Jake beds yet. I'm hoping to do all those bits online in the next couple of day. In fact there's a lot I need to buy. I'm busy trying to get Jake into the school with the best special needs department in the area. He is very aware of his social shortfalls, he's only really had 3 friends in the 9 years he's lived with me. 13, I remember is an age when you really do start to notice just how different you are from the other kids. I remember how awkward it was in social situations, this is also when I started using alcohol to overcome some of my problems in social situations.
I'm going to go to the supermarket when Jake gets back from school. I need a boost, I need to see a certain checkout girl.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Day 23: No Turning Back

I was reminded this morning how difficult communication can be. I can have a phone conversation if I plan it. This generally involves thinking about what I need to say to a person then writing down bullet points on a piece of paper before I call. I also need to be the one who's made the call. You call me and we're stumped, I will look for any excuse to end the conversation. I mention this because my good friend called me today, she received a personal reference request from the Estate Agent I'm renting the new house from, she phoned just to confirm how long we had known each other for. Her number flashed up on my iphone and I immediately entered panic mode. We did chat but it was difficult, I struggled after initial polite chat and I always find it difficult knowing where to interject in the conversation. I tried to escape twice, stating I need to go and have a shower, it didn't work she still had things to say. I would like to point out I really normally enjoy conversations with her, she's very understanding, interesting and has a nice sounding voice. If I had made the call it would have been an enjoyable experience. I did look into my problems with phone calls some time ago and I found what I think is the answer to this. Yes, Aspergers is a Communication 'Disorder' (I hate the disorder word, but in this case it is appropriate.) Because of this I think I have learnt to cope with my communication difficulties by being in charge of a situation like this, I can try and communicate but on my terms. I need to be in control. I think that's why routine is so important to me, it's about being in control in a world where the rules constantly change.
I'm now very nervous, step daughter just called. I need to call the estate agent and pay my portion of the deposit. It's a lot of money £1,100. It's pretty much most of my savings I've been able to scramble together. This is it, it's real now. I am so anxious, by doing this I am 100% committing myself to another change, there's no turning back !

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Day 22: My Home Town

Woke up this morning and decided it's time to pull my head out from the sand. We now have the official go ahead on the move and it looks like I'll be relocating the weekend of November 14th. My Step Daughter is moving in to the new house this Saturday. I have a bunch of work to organise before then and I may end up asking my boss if she will allocate some of my work to other people, I may be offline till my Internet is sorted out up there. There's a scary thought, offline ! I've got bigger scarier thoughts to think about so I'll leave that one. Not looking forward to the conversation I need to have with Jake's school. I'm sure they are going to be very disapproving of me moving him after 2 months. He wants to move, like me he doesn't feel right in Cornwall. That's nothing against the Cornish people, they've come across as warm and friendly, it's just not for us. I used to be such a country person, I hated towns, but now I need a town.
I have realised that as well as not looking back on things and asking 'why?' I also need not to look too far ahead either. I was so used to everything being the same day after day that I didn't believe the "you never know what's round the corner" mantra. I do now. Even though my Aspie brain needs routine and a degree of sameness, I'm allowing myself to be a little bit excited about this new life. That's the thing, by not looking too far forward I don't have to think about too much, I'm giving myself the opportunity to get comfortable with the changes bit by bit. I've tried the throwing yourself in the deep end approach and I just end up drowning.
I would like to look at how I'm feeling about the split. Ex pops into my head still but it's not the unmanageable pain that I felt before. It's worked not hearing from or about her, I hope Step Daughter understands this. I don't think I'm ready yet to look back at things, if I do I'll try and diagnose and that's not going to help. I think as long as I'm feeling positive I'll avoid that.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Day 21: About A Boy

I finished off all my work mid morning and have been dashing around since. Jake is off school today, no this wasn't me selfishly wanting company in this empty house, he actually wasn't well. It's a big thing for Jake staying off school, he knows there's no Xbox for the entire day if you've been off sick, torture for Jake. He had to accompany me round the bank and supermarket, he's 13 and can't be left at home, he's a young 13. He sighed most of the way round town. Jake is as clumsy as I am, Dyspraxia, another Aspie trait. I find it so annoying whenever we are out he constantly bumps into me, after a while I end up getting impatient with him and have the "personal space" conversation. I can't bear it when people bump into me in the supermarket, I physically shudder, a bolt of revulsion strikes through me. It's the same queuing in the post office or bank, I get very uncomfortable if people stand too close. Still once again I realise how much it means having him around. We've always had a close, special relationship but the amazing thing that's come out of all this mess is us, I'll never let this relationship be broken.
I'm having one of those days today where I'm not thinking about all the issues surrounding me. It's like a day off for my mind, I think I deserve it. I'm not sure how I'm managing to do it, I haven't been able to till now. I don't want to question how this is possible in case I'm unable to continue.
It's a relief to have finished the project I was working on, it wasn't very interesting. I enjoyed the narrators tone of voice (I will go into my special interest 'sound' at some other point.) Sometimes I can be given the most boring subject matter but if the narrator has a nice sounding voice that can make it for me. I wasn't very happy with my choice of music, it was all a bit last minute and quite how you choose music for the subject I had is beyond me. I do hope the client is happy.

Monday, 2 November 2009

Day 20: Strong

Back to my running this morning, it hurt but I felt better for it. I expected the run to be impossible, three days off and I didn't think I'd make it. I think it's the feeling of doing something that is structured on a daily basis, it brings some kind of normality to a day that still doesn't feel normal. It's difficult to get my head round what will be 'normal' again. It's been over two months since my life changed dramatically and I am still struggling to come to terms that things will never be the same again. I hope I'm strong enough to understand that even if the option was there I shouldn't go back. I've written 'shouldn't' rather than wouldn't because if I'm being honest I just don't know. It's all irrelevant anyway because that's not an option.
Jake's gone back to school this morning. He was cheerful and chatty before he left. I did my best to do the same but I don't think he expects much from me first thing. I've got a whole day to fill ahead until he comes back and I think I've stretched my work enough to fill it. I've not made a big enough effort with my diet lately, I've not gone back to eating more than I should, but I'm not dieting as such which I intend to sort out today. I'm also drinking too much.
I'm going to go out at lunch time and do some people watching. I'm normally so absorbed in the different environmental stimuli that I face when going out that I often forget to open my eyes to whats around me. People are interesting to watch. I didn't use to understand why older people sit in a chair by their windows and just watch, I think I get it now.

Sunday, 1 November 2009

Day 19: Its Oh So Quiet

I thought I would try writing at the other end of the day. It's been a fairly uneventful day. Jake and I still have our colds, although you'd think Jake had completed four years at R.A.D.A. I reminded him it was just a cold, not swine flu, despite what he'd read at the NHS direct website. I'm half tempted to keep him off school tomorrow, but actually that would be entirely selfish of me. I'm just looking for company and not enjoying the idea of being on my own tomorrow, all day. I guess I just need to think about what it's like when my parents are here and be thankful for small mercies. Again, I am really very grateful for everything they've done, I'm not sure what condition I'd be in if I was still in the my old house with ex. My Step daughter called yesterday, she was with her mother and I didn't like hearing ex in the back ground. I think it was one of those "I'm annoyed that you sound perfectly normal and I'm in pieces" moments. Except I'm not in pieces, but I still don't want to hear her.
November arrived this morning so I'm going to slowly open my eyes and try to focus on the huge events and other life style change I'm making very soon. In two weeks time I'm moving, yes my routines going to change. Everything is going to be different. I don't think anyone without Aspergers can even have the slightest idea what this means to an Aspie. Especially a 42 year old , set in his ways Aspie. I have read on various forums that Aspies need to find coping mechanisms to help with change, well I wish they sold these mechanisms on Amazon. I'm going to trawl the net and see if I can come up with some. I may even tweet and ask around the online Aspie community. I need to sort the moving issue out in my head very soon, it's all getting very close.