Friday, 23 October 2009

Day 10 and a half:This Is How You Spell MUG

Perhaps I should have MUG tattooed to my forehead. After step daughter agreed it wasn't fair to ask me for the money I received a text from ex (now this isn't playing by the rules.) I won't repeat the entire text but basically can I lend her £200, she's been off sick so hasn't been paid? I ignored it. Well she thinks I did, I actually reverted to pacing up and down with my brain spinning a million times a minute. Ping, another text. Other step daughter, can I lend her mum £150? That's because I ignored ex's text. I wrote back saying it's not fair to involve her in this. Twenty minutes later I still hadn't replied to ex's text. Ping ! It's ex again "Please can u help me out just once?" At this point this is where we discover my backbone no longer seems to be there. I replied "I only haven't replied because I've written and rewritten this text a hundred times." Which was true, I'd tried "what sort of fool do you take me for," "Yeah cos I am a mug aren't I." And various ways of writing F' Off. Ping ! "Well are you going to help then?" I grabbed my iphone ready to type and it just came out "You know I will." I've been to the bank, the rest is history !
Apart from proving that I am indeed a mug this did serve another point. In truth it didn't send me spiralling down to the floor with an emotional crash followed by meltdown. I was really rather calm about it. It also made me realise that I really don't particularly like her. It must take some guts to approach someone you've dumped to ask them to borrow money. Either that or you are a selfish, cold hearted....OK, stop there because I'm not bitter, really I was just proving a point, it does demonstrate something of her personality though.

Day 10: Running To Stand Still

As far as my titles (above) are concerned you'll have to excuse the constant references to songs. I actually was thinking of U2's song "With or without you" while running this morning. Yes ex appeared again, in fact a long and vivid dream that had a bit of a lasting effect through theearly  morning. My mum commented at breakfast "you're very quiet this morning are you alright?" I'm sure if I understand irony correctly that there is some in there somewhere. I reassured her that I was fine, just thinking. My point about 'With or without you' by U2 was Bono (the lead singer) sings 'I can't live with or without you.' I'm not harking back to my wallowing in self pity. I just thought well yes you can. face it you have to, the other option is death and no, I've had some dark thoughts in the early weeks of all this but no. It's dawning on me that I have to unstitch myself from her, separation is exactly that. It may seem blindingly obvious to others but things like this are taking their time to come to the surface for me. There really are some very literal things I need to think through and act upon. 
I'm a bit thrown writing this. I cant access my blog from my PC so I'm writing it from my Mac. It's still a qwerty keyboard but subtle little things are laid out differently. I use my Mac for work (I'm a Sound Designer) and it seems strange using it to blog. I like to keep work very separate from home. I'm also beginning to hate the word home, I would prefer to use the word transition area. I'm not really sure when I will be able to use the word home again. I won't own my own home once the bank have taken it back, at 42 there's very little chance of owning one again. I'll be renting and it will be someones home that I'm borrowing. Maybe I'll think differently once I've moved, for the moment that's one I'll leave to think about later. 
I've started listening to music again.  Another personal achievement! I've even downloaded some new music. In the past I've stuck to downloading old classics, I know the lyrics and they feel comfortable. I've used them to reflect on past 'dramas' that don't hurt anymore. By downloading new music I'm looking at it as moving on, something new. But I'm also very aware that I'm creating a new soundtrack for this period of my life, something I can play in the months and years to come, songs I can play, look back on and it won't hurt. 
I got cross with Jake yesterday. Sometimes I get impatient with him, which I hate. I prefer to save my impatience for other people, not Jake. He was doing something that didn't deserve the response he got. I didn't think he was reacting intelligently when I questioned him about something wrong that he was doing. Actually he was just reacting in an Aspie way. I, of all people should have understood that, I just don't sometimes. I walked off thought about it and went back and had a chat and a hug with him. Reassured him that it really is just him and me at the moment and we will face things together and look after each other. He got his Nintendo DSI back and thus is now happy! I can hug Jake without that normal horrible shudder I feel when touching someone. 
I've just had a huge nasty moral dilemma . My Step daughter just sent me a text asking if she could borrow a further £200 (I lent her £50 yesterday.) She ended the text saying she couldn't explain why. Well, I knew what that meant, for her mum. Ex is worse with money than I am. I sent a text back saying I would happily lend her the money but it wasn't fair to ask me to ask me if this was for her mum. I feel really awful doing that. I don't know if that was right or not. I tried phoning my friend who I mentioned a few blogs ago, but she's not answering her mobile. Step daughter has just sent a text saying she hopes she hasn't upset me she was just trying to help her family. I replied that I felt bad but I couldn't be part of it, that it was  illogical but I just couldn't do it. I explained I've had to become hard through all of this and I hate myself for it. 
I don't know if what I have done is right, but I do know I may end up going to the bank and transferring it for her. I hope not but I think I might.