Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Day 14: Sleep, Where For Art Thou

I'm in need of a lift today. The day didn't start well but I'm not going to let that spoil the rest of today. Woke at 5.00am , harassed by yet more unwelcome dreams. It's not fair being stalked in your sleep (especially by someone who doesn't want you.) I lay awake tormented by thoughts that I'd previously pushed to the back of my mind. I managed to get back to a semi sleep state, not awake but not asleep. My run was hard, really hard. I think the combination of sleep deprivation and feeling down saps the energy. I decided in the shower that I need something to focus on, I seem to have lost the grip on looking forward. This may stem from a disagreement I had with Jake yesterday, it was only small but the way I'm feeling small things can escalate rapidly in my mind. I phoned my daughter and she reminded me how close Jake and I have become and how much a falling out would affect him. This made me feel pretty awful, I know he's struggling living here too. I tried to get off the phone as quickly as I could, not easy with my daughter, she takes offence at the smallest thing and with my communication issues...well, it's just difficult. I went upstairs to Jake's room expecting him to be either angry or upset with me. He wasn't, he'd taken it all in his stride. I guess he's grown used to my moods, which actually made me feel ten times worse. I've got lots of work on today which is a good thing, keeping busy really helps to day go by. I've switched my phone off for the moment, I don't want to talk to anyone really. I'm not being miserable, I'm just giving myself some space, I think every one's entitled to a bit of space sometimes.