Tuesday, 20 October 2009

Day 7: Running Up That Hill

I keep bumping into people I know on line who haven't heard of my personal change of circumstances (I think that's how it's described.) It's a real pain as I have to go through it all again, tears well up in my eyes as I write down what's happened. If James Blunt doesn't sod off singing "Good bye my lover" in my head soon then I'm in danger of sinking again.
I mentioned I don't really have friends, well I have a few, OK a couple. I spoke with one of them last night. I feel so confident when I talk to her as she has a deep understanding of Aspergers herself. She has an Aspie husband and son. I have never met anyone who has such a grasp on how the Aspie mind works, she just 'knows.' It's always a pleasure talking to her (or maybe at her sometimes.) She helped me when everything went wrong, I don't think I'll ever be able to repay her kindness but if that's what friends are I would have more.
Ex was there again, uninvited as ever in my dreams. It's not affecting my entire morning now though, maybe its even getting easier (I really don't know as things go up one minute the crash down hard the next.) Maybe that's why my mind puts her there, making me face it so that although it hurts having this reminder, I have to face it so eventually it hurts less each time. It would be so much easier if we could just switch emotion on and off, why can't we do that? Anyway that's for someone with a comfortable couch to work out at a later date (comments from professionals welcome.)
I'm spending more time pondering over the fact that it's the routine I'd built for myself with her rather than missing her so much. It was a comfortable, safe routine. It was the same most days for years. Ex worked nights and slept days so actually when she did have a night off it did interrupt my routine, to be honest didn't enjoy her being there that much. My god I can't believe I've written that down!
Just to go off on a tangent a minute I have a confession. I often go to the supermarket, it's my new special interest and gets me out of the house. There is a check out girl who works in Morrisons, she smiles lots and is very friendly, she's very pretty in a different way. She's also a bit younger than me. I wouldn't want anything to happen (yeah,) but for the last couple of times I've visited Morrisons I've made eye contact, I've wanted to make eye contact , smiled back and it felt really nice, a shudder when we made eye contact but it was a nice shudder that left me smiling and feeling really good about life. That feeling lasts a while too (not hours like I wish it would) but long enough to know that there can be happiness again. Problem is I've been making excuses to shop there everyday, I go and only buy a few items (she works on the 10 items or less checkout) so I'm sure she has me down as a stalker now. Time to change to Asda, even though that little shudder is like a drug, but something to cling to while running up that hill.