Sunday, 18 October 2009

Day 5 End Of Anger Management (For Today)

If I can just sleep till my alarm goes off and without a certain person constantly entering my dreams. If I can just manage that I'll get on fine in the morning. I do actually want to to be happy. Note to in self in future blog before Nytol and cider.

Day 5: Anger Management This Must Be Stage 2

Woke up early and angry. Don't want to read 'that' text at the beginning again, want to stop thinking about the whole splitting up thing. That's the reason I'm here, that's the reason I'm loosing my house and will end up either bankrupt and seriously poor for some time or just plain seriously poor for sometime. I've lost my life and my house. I can build a new life but I'm angry that I have to. I guess it's not just Aspies who fear the uncertainty of a new future, but it is scary.
All this anger has made me unsure of what I want to do. I know I can't stay here any longer. My dear, kind parents are really driving both Jake and I mad. I'm building up resentment towards them, I'm Jake's parent(s) not them. I won't tell them how much it's bothering me because I don't do that, I didn't much with ex and I'm not going to start now. If you tell someone it's confrontational and I don't do confrontation, maybe I'm just a coward. I'll just sigh or huff and get on with it, that used to drive ex mad and I'm now getting some sort of perverse enjoyment from the thought of that.
I think I have to go through a hate stage. I went through it with my first wife, it helped. I feel no hate towards her now, haven't for a very long time, years. I feel nothing towards her and can't even remember what it was I ever felt towards her. That, in my opinion is when you are over someone. I'd be deluding myself if I said I was over ex, but I'm angry and feeling hateful which I think is a good sign. It's a move away from desperately wanting her back, which may also have just been not wanting things to change (Aspie.) I don't know I'm not sure about that but I might have to face the truth that it wasn't just her who hadn't been happy in the relationship.
Thank God mum has turned the radio down, any more of Steve Wrigtht and his bloody Sunday morning love songs and...well !
Another unstructured day ahead, help. I was quietly pleased when Jake came bounding into the kitchen declaring that he was going to sue Morrisons. He had discovered the special offer chewing gum he bought yesterday was out of date. Told him we couldn't really afford to sue Morrisions but we could return the offending items and have them exchanged. This also gave me good reason to drag him round the supermarket again, adding at least one tiny insignificant thing to my non existent agenda. Someone get me a life, or move me somewhere where I feel I can just slouch in front of the TV and watch cookery programs with my feet on the coffee table.