Wednesday, 21 October 2009

Day 8: Living In My Own World? (Thank You)

I'm feeling a bit numb this morning, which may be a good thing. I woke up and was able to get back to sleep, despite the now all to familiar unwelcome appearance by ex. When I woke after dreaming of her I wasn't filled with dread and loss, I just thought 'oh well now get back to sleep.' This is probably a huge step and I should be congratulating myself but I just feel a bit emotionless and numb. I think I've gone past the feeling sorry for myself stage, I'm just not sure what's next.
While running this morning I thought I might be a bit depressed, not in the 'there's no light at the end of the tunnel' traditional view of someones who's depressed, but just my whole being is a bit depressed, a bit more insular than usual. I am getting back on top of things (it frightens me when I write statements like that because this could just be another point where the scales are tipped to the good side, waiting for another glitch to make me crash to the ground.) I think it's really helped completely cutting out contact with her, each day without contact things seem to get better. I've even found myself singing to myself in the evening, I was doing it twice last night and thought at the time, oh this is something you used to do when you were happy.
I've been interrupted a number of times while writing this, it reminded me of what an inpatient person I am, it's a personality trait of mine that I'm not too happy with. I do try to be less impatient with people but I think people notice that I'm trying, making a huge effort. I have the attention span of a goldfish. I have learned to try and take an interest in what other people are saying but unless I'm feeling 100% I just don't get it right. I know that you are supposed to come up with questions about the topic the other person has been talking to you about, but it's such a bloody effort to do it, sometimes even when it's a subject I'm interested in. At breakfast, lunch and the evening meal I really make no effort at conversation, it worries me that I'm offending my parents, I don't mean to, but I think I've gone through all the normal polite things people say, repeating them over and over (like NTs do with the weather conversation) just seems a waste of time and an insult to my intelligence. Why don't we all be honest and just admit none of us really has anything to say that the other person is interested in. Lets stop struggling to make conversation and just be quiet. I do understand that this may just be my Aspie way of seeing things and NTs may actually enjoy this nonsense. I used to have this with ex too, on her nights off I would struggle to have a conversation and would often revert to "is there anything I can get you?" - "Do you want a cup of tea?" I wanted to be interested and was desperate to be able to say things but I couldn't do it.
I always fought the traditional NT view that Aspies 'live in their own world.' I'm looking at this differently now. I used to (funnily enough) take this very literally, but if you look at it without saying that I literally 'live in another world' then I do. I've not explained that well, sometimes there are things that I am just unable to translate into NT language, maybe you'll get what I mean. Maybe I'll come back to it.