Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Day 15: The Rules Of Socialising

Its funny how you can wake up reasonably positive after a nights sleep. I had some disturbing dreams but ex wasn't there so that made a huge difference to my outlook on things this morning. My stepdaughter and I are waiting to hear the outcome of the house we are hoping to rent. I have a dog, a massive Great Dane called Henry. Ex is looking after him as I wasn't allowed to bring him down to my parents house. It's causing a bit of a problem with renting, no one wants pets. We've asked the letting agent to appeal directly to the landlord of the property, don't know how lucky we'll be but fingers crossed.
My parents are flying off on holiday today, this is a welcome change of routine. 16 days of not worrying if Jake is going to say the wrong thing at meal times. I could make a long list of things that will be different during the next 16 days but we can both relax, be ourselves and not be on best behaviour. I'm 42 and shouldn't be living with my parents. They leave at 12.30 pm.
I went to the pub last night. I was looking to loose myself a bit in alcohol, nothing melancholy, just numb things slightly. I didn't enjoy the pub experience, there were only a few people in. A small group of 3 thitysomethings. They were sat at the bar and so was I. It was obvious I was a loner, it is sometimes and I really feel it. I felt alone and very self conscious. I drank my two pints very quickly. One of the thirtysomethings had nipped out the front for a cigarette, I knew I would have to pass him as I left, this too was going to be uncomfortable. He said cheers as I passed and I tried muttering cheers back, I'm not sure how it came out but I hope he didn't think I was rude. I replayed in my mind the conversations they might be having after I had left. Were they wondering who that strange person is, he comes in says nothing to anyone, drinks his drinks very quickly then leaves? I might be making too much of this, maybe they didn't notice or care.
I get jealous sometimes that people can be in a group exchanging pointless banter. I'm not in a situation where I am able to make the first move to join in their 'fun'. It would probably be difficult anyway as I wouldn't always want to do that every time I went to the pub. I enjoy solitude and would probably be seen as moody if I didn't join in all the time. To be honest it's been so long that I made any attempts at socialising that I've forgotten even the most basic of rules, if I even knew them in the first place.