Day 6: Learning Lessons or Just Another Day ?

Well, got my wish didn't dream about her. I still woke up an hour before the alarm but managed to to push away any of those thoughts I really don't want to be thinking about. I know the future is difficult but for now I will just have to look as far as 3.55pm when Jake gets home. It's half term holidays for him next week, my parents fly off for two weeks as well. I should hopefully find out about where I'm going to live this week. My step daughter is looking at places to rent on Wednesday morning. We will move at the beginning of November.
It's going to be very strange living with my step daughter. It will be a constant reminder of her mother, but I'm going to have to deal with that, despite getting cross whenever she mentions what her mother is doing. I've told her repeatedly I really don't want to know whatever (I edited this and removed or whoever) she is doing. I'm listening to my parents bickering at the moment, not intentionally, it's just there and part of the environment surrounding me, along with the radio the humm from my mac, the whirring fan of my laptop and the bright blue light on the front of my pc .I do find the constant bombarding of my senses tiring sometimes. Looking back it's always been there but it wasn't until it was explained that NT's can filter this out that I became fully aware of it's impact on my daily life. After my diagnosis I looked back a lot and realised what a massive impact Aspergers has had on my life. I spent the first couple of months post diagnosis going back through many, many life events and thinking ah, yes that's why. Post diagnosis I also let myself become an Aspie. It was very comforting being able to become comfortable being the person you actually are. People started making allowances for me which felt great. I felt able to let out some of my socially inappropriate humour and to a degree my behaviour too.
Reading back through this section (can't go back over day one, I'm supposed to be moving forward) I am realising (although I did already know but not acknowledge to myself) that this time, after this spilt I will have to learn to live with myself. I will have to learn to be happy on my own, it's going to take a long time but I have to try really hard not just to go into a relationship because I want to be loved.

Day 5 End Of Anger Management (For Today)

If I can just sleep till my alarm goes off and without a certain person constantly entering my dreams. If I can just manage that I'll get on fine in the morning. I do actually want to to be happy. Note to in self in future blog before Nytol and cider.

Day 5: Anger Management This Must Be Stage 2

Woke up early and angry. Don't want to read 'that' text at the beginning again, want to stop thinking about the whole splitting up thing. That's the reason I'm here, that's the reason I'm loosing my house and will end up either bankrupt and seriously poor for some time or just plain seriously poor for sometime. I've lost my life and my house. I can build a new life but I'm angry that I have to. I guess it's not just Aspies who fear the uncertainty of a new future, but it is scary.
All this anger has made me unsure of what I want to do. I know I can't stay here any longer. My dear, kind parents are really driving both Jake and I mad. I'm building up resentment towards them, I'm Jake's parent(s) not them. I won't tell them how much it's bothering me because I don't do that, I didn't much with ex and I'm not going to start now. If you tell someone it's confrontational and I don't do confrontation, maybe I'm just a coward. I'll just sigh or huff and get on with it, that used to drive ex mad and I'm now getting some sort of perverse enjoyment from the thought of that.
I think I have to go through a hate stage. I went through it with my first wife, it helped. I feel no hate towards her now, haven't for a very long time, years. I feel nothing towards her and can't even remember what it was I ever felt towards her. That, in my opinion is when you are over someone. I'd be deluding myself if I said I was over ex, but I'm angry and feeling hateful which I think is a good sign. It's a move away from desperately wanting her back, which may also have just been not wanting things to change (Aspie.) I don't know I'm not sure about that but I might have to face the truth that it wasn't just her who hadn't been happy in the relationship.
Thank God mum has turned the radio down, any more of Steve Wrigtht and his bloody Sunday morning love songs and...well !
Another unstructured day ahead, help. I was quietly pleased when Jake came bounding into the kitchen declaring that he was going to sue Morrisons. He had discovered the special offer chewing gum he bought yesterday was out of date. Told him we couldn't really afford to sue Morrisions but we could return the offending items and have them exchanged. This also gave me good reason to drag him round the supermarket again, adding at least one tiny insignificant thing to my non existent agenda. Someone get me a life, or move me somewhere where I feel I can just slouch in front of the TV and watch cookery programs with my feet on the coffee table.

Day Four: Evening Peace?

A reasonable day. Kept busy, that seems to be the thing to do. Had Jake with me all day, he drives me potty sometimes, but I love him to bits. He even put up with wondering around supermarket after supermarket just so I didn't have to come back "home." He's got pretty good at pointing out potential new partners too. It's funny, I've lost a fair bit of weight now. I also dress smartly now and I've started to notice the occasional (and I mean occasional) woman smiling at me. A huge boost to my mood believe me. I hope the mood stays like this, not overwhelmingly happy but not miserable.

Day Four: Dont Start As You Mean To Go On

What is this with my head, more torturous dreams followed by tossing and turning at 6.00 am. Not making huge headways in the moving on department. Had breakfast and need to think of something to do today. There's no structure to the weekend and that's something that is important to me. I had to speak to the bank yesterday, been putting off the chat about mortgage arrears and repossesion for a while. It's done now ! Sent a text to ex half an hour ago informing her they will start proceedings in January, followed it with a text straight after saying no need to text back. I'm angry with her and I think that's a really good thing. I'm hoping anger will help replace those other feelings. And let's face it my life has been turned upside down, I've got a right to be angry. I now need to figure out what to do today.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Day 3 Friday Night

Most of this evening involved me telling Natalie (step daughter will be sharing house with) that I really can't deal with hearing what her mums up to and the fact she's going out saturday night, great wish I was.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Day 3: Stumble Before You Walk

I struggle to try and work out why the brain works like it does. I've always understood dreams are the brains way of helping your conscious/subconscious mind work things out. Why oh why put her back in my dreams again. That's just not cricket, not a nice way to wake up either. Its like my mind has decided "you've made decision to move on and be positive, but I'm going to make it as hard as possible for you." Actually maybe I don't want to look too deep into that, there could be months of lying on a psychiatrist chair involved. Either way it seems unfair and a rather disturbing form of torture.
Anyway got up, woke Jake, made his packed lunch. During this time my mum was in the kitchen, I'm very aware she's given up trying to make conversation with me in the morning. Its not that I'm not a morning person, I like mornings (even with a slight Nytol hangover..OK I mixed again with Cider.) I just don't feel any need for pointless banter so early on in the day. Why do NT's feel the need to carp on about nothing of any great meaning in the morning. I would happily join in if I felt we were working out a solution to fix The Large Hadron Collider, but its not it's pointless. I'm happier just sticking to instructions, yes, no's and thank you's. Jake is the same, not a word unless you ask. All this and that lady on the radio, Sarah someone, Radio 2. I really don't mean this unkindly but I don't want to know about what you made your husband (oh how lucky you are that you have a partner) for his evening meal. Stick to the same playlist that's endlessly recycled and the news. In fact a news station in the morning would be much better, that's what I'll listen to when we move.
I ran after that, it only takes 15 to 20 minutes but most of it is uphill so it is a real effort. My mind going over and over the same thing. I am finding it very difficult coming to terms with the fact that I am going to start an entire new life. The NT's I speak to say how exciting this is, but for my Aspie brain this is just a huge amount of uncertainty and a massive change of routine. It's something I know I have to do and I have said I want to escape, but life seems like a big set of scales at the moment, tipping one way then the next.
I want to end this post positive as I'm going to come back to it later. I'm not wallowing in self pity anymore, I truly understand we are not getting back together. I'm past devising endless implausible plans in my mind to win her back. I really am trying to look ahead and see a new life, I just can't see what shape it will be and that's a bit scary !