Back to my running this morning, it hurt but I felt better for it. I expected the run to be impossible, three days off and I didn't think I'd make it. I think it's the feeling of doing something that is structured on a daily basis, it brings some kind of normality to a day that still doesn't feel normal. It's difficult to get my head round what will be 'normal' again. It's been over two months since my life changed dramatically and I am still struggling to come to terms that things will never be the same again. I hope I'm strong enough to understand that even if the option was there I shouldn't go back. I've written 'shouldn't' rather than wouldn't because if I'm being honest I just don't know. It's all irrelevant anyway because that's not an option.
Jake's gone back to school this morning. He was cheerful and chatty before he left. I did my best to do the same but I don't think he expects much from me first thing. I've got a whole day to fill ahead until he comes back and I think I've stretched my work enough to fill it. I've not made a big enough effort with my diet lately, I've not gone back to eating more than I should, but I'm not dieting as such which I intend to sort out today. I'm also drinking too much.
I'm going to go out at lunch time and do some people watching. I'm normally so absorbed in the different environmental stimuli that I face when going out that I often forget to open my eyes to whats around me. People are interesting to watch. I didn't use to understand why older people sit in a chair by their windows and just watch, I think I get it now.
Monday, 2 November 2009
Sunday, 1 November 2009
Day 19: Its Oh So Quiet
I thought I would try writing at the other end of the day. It's been a fairly uneventful day. Jake and I still have our colds, although you'd think Jake had completed four years at R.A.D.A. I reminded him it was just a cold, not swine flu, despite what he'd read at the NHS direct website. I'm half tempted to keep him off school tomorrow, but actually that would be entirely selfish of me. I'm just looking for company and not enjoying the idea of being on my own tomorrow, all day. I guess I just need to think about what it's like when my parents are here and be thankful for small mercies. Again, I am really very grateful for everything they've done, I'm not sure what condition I'd be in if I was still in the my old house with ex. My Step daughter called yesterday, she was with her mother and I didn't like hearing ex in the back ground. I think it was one of those "I'm annoyed that you sound perfectly normal and I'm in pieces" moments. Except I'm not in pieces, but I still don't want to hear her.
November arrived this morning so I'm going to slowly open my eyes and try to focus on the huge events and other life style change I'm making very soon. In two weeks time I'm moving, yes my routines going to change. Everything is going to be different. I don't think anyone without Aspergers can even have the slightest idea what this means to an Aspie. Especially a 42 year old , set in his ways Aspie. I have read on various forums that Aspies need to find coping mechanisms to help with change, well I wish they sold these mechanisms on Amazon. I'm going to trawl the net and see if I can come up with some. I may even tweet and ask around the online Aspie community. I need to sort the moving issue out in my head very soon, it's all getting very close.
November arrived this morning so I'm going to slowly open my eyes and try to focus on the huge events and other life style change I'm making very soon. In two weeks time I'm moving, yes my routines going to change. Everything is going to be different. I don't think anyone without Aspergers can even have the slightest idea what this means to an Aspie. Especially a 42 year old , set in his ways Aspie. I have read on various forums that Aspies need to find coping mechanisms to help with change, well I wish they sold these mechanisms on Amazon. I'm going to trawl the net and see if I can come up with some. I may even tweet and ask around the online Aspie community. I need to sort the moving issue out in my head very soon, it's all getting very close.
Saturday, 31 October 2009
Day 18: Inbetween Days
I do need to get back to my running really soon. I still have my cold but its not bad enough to stop me running. I'm doing my other exercises but its not the same as my run. I think running makes me focus on thoughts that I usually push away. It also gives me the ability to loose myself in the huge physical effort it is to get this lump of me up a steep hill, even if only at a speed slightly faster than walking.
I feel really odd today, I was grumpy yesterday because of my cold. I feel a bit empty now. I have to work today and tomorrow. I could have finished without having to work the weekend but I wanted to spend some time with Jake during the week. I don't mind working on a Saturday, I wont work all day. It will also give Jake the opportunity to play on his Xbox.
I have had little peaks at the past lately, I don't normally allow myself to do this. It wasn't a self pitying yearn to look back, I was just curious. I wanted to look back at ex and see if I felt a rush of love an emotion come back. I didn't, but maybe my minds firewall is set so secure that I didn't allow it to. I don't know, I just don't know but I probably don't need to.
I'm hoping as the day progresses that Jake wont be in teenage mode again. He's normally such a bright enthusiastic person, I think hormones are kicking in. I've dealt with the other children doing the teenage thing. My daughter was a total nightmare, I've had my share of children screaming and smashing the place up, but I don't think Jake will go down that route. I hope we stay close, he's the most important person in my life right now.
I feel really odd today, I was grumpy yesterday because of my cold. I feel a bit empty now. I have to work today and tomorrow. I could have finished without having to work the weekend but I wanted to spend some time with Jake during the week. I don't mind working on a Saturday, I wont work all day. It will also give Jake the opportunity to play on his Xbox.
I have had little peaks at the past lately, I don't normally allow myself to do this. It wasn't a self pitying yearn to look back, I was just curious. I wanted to look back at ex and see if I felt a rush of love an emotion come back. I didn't, but maybe my minds firewall is set so secure that I didn't allow it to. I don't know, I just don't know but I probably don't need to.
I'm hoping as the day progresses that Jake wont be in teenage mode again. He's normally such a bright enthusiastic person, I think hormones are kicking in. I've dealt with the other children doing the teenage thing. My daughter was a total nightmare, I've had my share of children screaming and smashing the place up, but I don't think Jake will go down that route. I hope we stay close, he's the most important person in my life right now.
Friday, 30 October 2009
Day 17: Uncertain Smile
Woke up early again, this time with a horrible cold. Running was the last thing on my mind. I wasn't in the best of moods when I came down stairs. I find colds are really inconvenient, I have a set number of days now where I'm going to feel like death warmed up, this wasn't in my plans and it messes things up. Its the last Friday of the month which means pay day. I have a lot of work to do still and my deadline for this lot is Monday. I need to spend a certain amount of time running between banks this morning shifting money around, nothing glamorous believe me just a necessity to keep various creditors happy.
My Step Daughter (my soon to be house mate,) called this morning. I'm impatient (as Jake has found out this morning,) when I'm not feeling well. I didn't really want to talk, especially about interior design and what will fit where in the new house. I behaved and listened well, I'm sure I made all the right noises as well but it was a huge relief when she decided it was time to go. I never want to be rude to people when I'm not interested in talking to them but I'm told it is generally obvious when I'm not interested. My Step Daughter will also call just because shes bored or waiting for a train. It's hard to understand why someone would just do that really. Calling someone without a preplanned question or agenda.
I'm still not quite ready to look into next month and all the changes yet. I know I'm going to have to, because in two days it's going to be here, but I'm holding onto the sameness I have at the moment because it feels safe. I'm also finding I have more happiness in my days now too. Less reflection. If I could just look ahead with less uncertainty I could smile a bit more.
I have decided I would like to ask ex for a divorce.
My Step Daughter (my soon to be house mate,) called this morning. I'm impatient (as Jake has found out this morning,) when I'm not feeling well. I didn't really want to talk, especially about interior design and what will fit where in the new house. I behaved and listened well, I'm sure I made all the right noises as well but it was a huge relief when she decided it was time to go. I never want to be rude to people when I'm not interested in talking to them but I'm told it is generally obvious when I'm not interested. My Step Daughter will also call just because shes bored or waiting for a train. It's hard to understand why someone would just do that really. Calling someone without a preplanned question or agenda.
I'm still not quite ready to look into next month and all the changes yet. I know I'm going to have to, because in two days it's going to be here, but I'm holding onto the sameness I have at the moment because it feels safe. I'm also finding I have more happiness in my days now too. Less reflection. If I could just look ahead with less uncertainty I could smile a bit more.
I have decided I would like to ask ex for a divorce.
Thursday, 29 October 2009
Day 16: Spit In The Rain
It's slowly dawning on me that the only way to really get through this mess is to stop looking back, it's pointless, not going to solve anything and it bloody well hurts. The other thing is to stop asking why. The later is the same, nothing is going to be resolved, there may be sense to all of this situation but I'm probably not ready to make any sense of it. Just concentrate on getting to wherever I'm going.
Jake and I have have been relaxing since my parents left for holiday yesterday. I have to admit it is strange not having them here. It felt really naughty eating junk for dinner last night but that's not going to stop me doing it again tonight (Jake's request.) I have told him we are having vegetables tonight though. It may end up being a salad out of sheer laziness. I'm a bit worried about being on my own in the house most of the day next week when Jake goes back to school. I know I like solitude but it has to be on my terms. I do like to know I can reach out if necessary.
We had some news about moving yesterday. Looks like we've got the house we were after. We should move in just over two weeks, which will coincide with my parents getting back from holiday. Moving leaves me with so much to think about, it's almost overwhelming. Not only will this be a new routine but it will be a new life. I'm not thinking about it today, I'll push it aside for a bit, I have lots of work to do and can't concentrate on work while thinking about everything that will change when I move.
Today's blog title is a reference to an old Del Amitri song, it's where I found my answers !
Jake and I have have been relaxing since my parents left for holiday yesterday. I have to admit it is strange not having them here. It felt really naughty eating junk for dinner last night but that's not going to stop me doing it again tonight (Jake's request.) I have told him we are having vegetables tonight though. It may end up being a salad out of sheer laziness. I'm a bit worried about being on my own in the house most of the day next week when Jake goes back to school. I know I like solitude but it has to be on my terms. I do like to know I can reach out if necessary.
We had some news about moving yesterday. Looks like we've got the house we were after. We should move in just over two weeks, which will coincide with my parents getting back from holiday. Moving leaves me with so much to think about, it's almost overwhelming. Not only will this be a new routine but it will be a new life. I'm not thinking about it today, I'll push it aside for a bit, I have lots of work to do and can't concentrate on work while thinking about everything that will change when I move.
Today's blog title is a reference to an old Del Amitri song, it's where I found my answers !
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Day 15: The Rules Of Socialising
Its funny how you can wake up reasonably positive after a nights sleep. I had some disturbing dreams but ex wasn't there so that made a huge difference to my outlook on things this morning. My stepdaughter and I are waiting to hear the outcome of the house we are hoping to rent. I have a dog, a massive Great Dane called Henry. Ex is looking after him as I wasn't allowed to bring him down to my parents house. It's causing a bit of a problem with renting, no one wants pets. We've asked the letting agent to appeal directly to the landlord of the property, don't know how lucky we'll be but fingers crossed.
My parents are flying off on holiday today, this is a welcome change of routine. 16 days of not worrying if Jake is going to say the wrong thing at meal times. I could make a long list of things that will be different during the next 16 days but we can both relax, be ourselves and not be on best behaviour. I'm 42 and shouldn't be living with my parents. They leave at 12.30 pm.
I went to the pub last night. I was looking to loose myself a bit in alcohol, nothing melancholy, just numb things slightly. I didn't enjoy the pub experience, there were only a few people in. A small group of 3 thitysomethings. They were sat at the bar and so was I. It was obvious I was a loner, it is sometimes and I really feel it. I felt alone and very self conscious. I drank my two pints very quickly. One of the thirtysomethings had nipped out the front for a cigarette, I knew I would have to pass him as I left, this too was going to be uncomfortable. He said cheers as I passed and I tried muttering cheers back, I'm not sure how it came out but I hope he didn't think I was rude. I replayed in my mind the conversations they might be having after I had left. Were they wondering who that strange person is, he comes in says nothing to anyone, drinks his drinks very quickly then leaves? I might be making too much of this, maybe they didn't notice or care.
I get jealous sometimes that people can be in a group exchanging pointless banter. I'm not in a situation where I am able to make the first move to join in their 'fun'. It would probably be difficult anyway as I wouldn't always want to do that every time I went to the pub. I enjoy solitude and would probably be seen as moody if I didn't join in all the time. To be honest it's been so long that I made any attempts at socialising that I've forgotten even the most basic of rules, if I even knew them in the first place.
My parents are flying off on holiday today, this is a welcome change of routine. 16 days of not worrying if Jake is going to say the wrong thing at meal times. I could make a long list of things that will be different during the next 16 days but we can both relax, be ourselves and not be on best behaviour. I'm 42 and shouldn't be living with my parents. They leave at 12.30 pm.
I went to the pub last night. I was looking to loose myself a bit in alcohol, nothing melancholy, just numb things slightly. I didn't enjoy the pub experience, there were only a few people in. A small group of 3 thitysomethings. They were sat at the bar and so was I. It was obvious I was a loner, it is sometimes and I really feel it. I felt alone and very self conscious. I drank my two pints very quickly. One of the thirtysomethings had nipped out the front for a cigarette, I knew I would have to pass him as I left, this too was going to be uncomfortable. He said cheers as I passed and I tried muttering cheers back, I'm not sure how it came out but I hope he didn't think I was rude. I replayed in my mind the conversations they might be having after I had left. Were they wondering who that strange person is, he comes in says nothing to anyone, drinks his drinks very quickly then leaves? I might be making too much of this, maybe they didn't notice or care.
I get jealous sometimes that people can be in a group exchanging pointless banter. I'm not in a situation where I am able to make the first move to join in their 'fun'. It would probably be difficult anyway as I wouldn't always want to do that every time I went to the pub. I enjoy solitude and would probably be seen as moody if I didn't join in all the time. To be honest it's been so long that I made any attempts at socialising that I've forgotten even the most basic of rules, if I even knew them in the first place.
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Day 14: Sleep, Where For Art Thou
I'm in need of a lift today. The day didn't start well but I'm not going to let that spoil the rest of today. Woke at 5.00am , harassed by yet more unwelcome dreams. It's not fair being stalked in your sleep (especially by someone who doesn't want you.) I lay awake tormented by thoughts that I'd previously pushed to the back of my mind. I managed to get back to a semi sleep state, not awake but not asleep. My run was hard, really hard. I think the combination of sleep deprivation and feeling down saps the energy. I decided in the shower that I need something to focus on, I seem to have lost the grip on looking forward. This may stem from a disagreement I had with Jake yesterday, it was only small but the way I'm feeling small things can escalate rapidly in my mind. I phoned my daughter and she reminded me how close Jake and I have become and how much a falling out would affect him. This made me feel pretty awful, I know he's struggling living here too. I tried to get off the phone as quickly as I could, not easy with my daughter, she takes offence at the smallest thing and with my communication issues...well, it's just difficult. I went upstairs to Jake's room expecting him to be either angry or upset with me. He wasn't, he'd taken it all in his stride. I guess he's grown used to my moods, which actually made me feel ten times worse. I've got lots of work on today which is a good thing, keeping busy really helps to day go by. I've switched my phone off for the moment, I don't want to talk to anyone really. I'm not being miserable, I'm just giving myself some space, I think every one's entitled to a bit of space sometimes.
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